Because sometimes absurdity can fascinate.

Review of 2009. Review of the decade.

2009-12-31T17:17:00.009Z

Yeah, I had a good Christmas, thanks for asking. Moving on...Been far too long since I made a post, it pains me to imagine the suffering, you, my loyal disciples, checking on a daily basis, 'Has the chosen one posted?..No he hasn't,', well this is my post of the decade. This is going to be fucking a mammoth entry.

Jesus...Unfortunately, I don't really know how to write this. Have a badger at my shortest ever video blog, a montage of ramblings...

Ok, this is how I'll do this, through lists. As a man, or more as Tom, I love lists, I love listing things, from kill lists, to favourite foods, to favourite bands, lists provide structure, they're easy to read, they prioritise, they bring order and clarity in a sea of possibilities. I've grown up in the decade unfortunately named 'The noughties', sure my real childhood was spent in the '90s' making me the last of the 20th century crew, but my real, vivid, significant memories stem from the year 2000 to the present day. Here it is then, the first of the lists...

Things which have changed from my period of existence in the 90s to the 'Noughties':

1. Physically, quite a bit actually. I used to be blond, I used to be shorter (or the world around me has shrunk), unmentionable parts of my body have changed beyond recognition, my brain has presumably grown, I didn't have any facial hair, and my teeth fell out regularly, sometimes on their own accord, sometimes not.
2. I was largely happy then, the world was a hell of a lot smaller, and more pointless. I remember being aware of other countries, I remember knowing what France was, knowing that they spoke French and I took great delight in being able to say 'Bonjour' not quite sure of the translation...Video evidence, taken from my family's camcorder proves that I am aware of Australia, however I seem to speak of it as if it were some mystical land, I quote, 'Because Australia is the furtherst away place in the world.' Lets pick apart that statement. I claim Australia is further from anything else in the world, something...Which defies all logic, I am blatantly unaware of context, it didn't cross my mind, and would have probably made my fragile brain explode if someone had replied: 'But surely, here is the furthest place from Australia?' I also refer to 'Australia' as a 'place', not a country. My recognition of nationalities, countries and governments has defined me ever since the discussion I vaguely recall with my Mother.
'Can't the Queen do whatever she wants?'
'Well, she's not in charge, Thomas,'
'Then who...Is?'
The answer which came was a groundbreaking moment.
'The Government,'
'Who's that?'
I don't remember anything else, but it goes without saying that my awareness of this world, my loose understanding of society, has changed me completely. No longer was the world just Edinburgh, Steyning or my garden, the world was huge, with billions of people, with millions of systems and an endless history, it's depressed me enormously, and cheered me up so very much.

That's about it for 90s to 00s transition.
And now, because, unfortunately, I am getting bored...
1. This decade, I've fallen in love for the first time....I think I've loved anyway, I'm not entirely sure, I've never loved anyone unconditionally, and can't quite figure out how I would do that. I fear I'm still too young to be able to say for certain if I've been in love, but at certain times, at defined moments, it felt as such.
2. I've discovered a love of music. Much of my childhood I was fixated on 'The only good music which has ever been made is the Star Wars soundtrack.' The Beatles changed all that, the moment my Dad slipped that album into the car CD player, much to my complaint, my world was transformed. After The Beatles came The Corrs, Coldplay, Oasis, Snow Patrol, Keane, Sigur Ros, Radiohead, The Kooks, Muse, I owe them and countless others so much.
3. I've met some right twats, and some unforgettable friends. As for the latter, I can't list everyone, but I thank you all, even the twats, for making things...Interesting. From Oliver Beaney, my faithful Commander, a true friend for lfie, to James Ager, of whom words fail to sum up, Chloe Guy, for the best taste in music and the most trustworthy of spirits, Bryony Smith, for being the only girl who's ever made me laugh on a consistent basis. Note how only a few of my LOYAL DISCIPLES have been named (excluding Oliver, but he allows for exclusions), if you're reading this without following...Then maybe you should amend your ways, and you might get mentioned in the next end of decade post.

Which takes me to my final point of call. You're all kidding yourselves if you think that everybody who features in your life now, you'll never forget them, you're always going to stay in touch. No-You-Won't. You'll stay in touch with five at the most, you might be able to attach names to hazy memories of about 20, but the reality is in a few months, we're all going to University, or somewhere else...So, this is to all that have featured. You've made my decade. Cheers.

Tom,
P.S: 2001 was the strangest, 2002 the most conflicting, 2003 the most eventful, 2004 the most defining, 2005 the most celebratory, 2006 the most dull, 2007 the worst, 2008 the most unexpected, 2009 the best.

How does Tom Williams celebrate the new year?

2009-12-31T21:15:00.002Z

Tom,
P.S: The cat DID return, with girls!.....No, he didn't.

Quotes of 2009.

2009-12-18T16:13:00.012Z

Quotes of the year. Here they are...

‘Break rank! Break rank!’ – Used whenever something vaguely dramatic happens, unsure who first initiated the command.

Tom Williams: ‘Thank you Riddle Man! You have saved the village!’

David Thomas: ‘There are men with guns in here…’

Tom Williams: ‘Gentlemen…Close the doors.’ – Followed by David Thomas and Seb Davies both simultaneously and in perfect synchronisation closing the double doors.

Louis Le Breuilly: ‘The Death Star!’

Tom Williams: ‘It’s time, I’m initiating Operation Barbarossa.’
David Thomas (with genuine concern): ‘Oh…SHIT!’

Seb Davies: ‘You still like her, don’t you?’
Tom Williams: ‘No,’
Seb Davies: ‘Oh, ok,’
Tom Williams: ‘You’re still a cock, aren’t you?’

Bryony Smith: ‘Look Tom! I’ve found Dee!’ – holding a Swiss roll.

David Thomas: ‘Gravity accelerator 5!’
Tom Williams: ‘No David, that’s a weight.’

Tom Williams: ‘It’s always five to nine!’

Jess Smith: ‘Yes, you did David!’
David Thomas: ‘I didn’t throw it!’
Jess Smith: ‘Then, what’s that I can feel in my bra?’
Tom Williams: ‘Err…Your breast?’

Tom Williams: ‘I don’t like this,’
Seb Davies: ‘Don’t like what?’
Tom Williams: ‘This room…! There’s too many happy people, too many young people, too many young and happy people.’
Seb Davies: ‘Oh yes, silly me to pick a room boasting happiness.’
Tom Williams: ‘Silly you.’

Kirstie Smith: ‘Hey Tom,’
Tom Williams (after pausing iPod): ‘Ah...No…No, no, you can wait until the song ends.’

Louis Le Breuilly: ‘In...Squishy, squishy…Out!’

David Thomas: ‘Tom! Wait!’
Tom Williams: ‘You know you’re the most disappointing stalker I’ve ever had?’

Louis Le Breuilly: ‘Parsnip…?’

Tom Williams: ‘What have you got from the shop, Bryony?’
Bryony Smith: ‘Fake teeth, fake blood and…A FLAPJACK!’

Seb Davies: ‘Who you talking about?’
David Thomas: ‘Keira Knightley or Taylor Swift?’
Seb Davies: ‘Oh tough call..’
Tom Williams: ‘I said Taylor,’
Seb Davies: ‘I dunno…’
David Thomas: ‘In fairness I’d do both,’
Moments pause.
Tom Williams: ‘Oh my God! We’ve known each other for, how long…? And this is the first time we’ve ever had such a manly debate, ‘Oh I’d love to do her’, ‘Oh I’d give her one’, fucking hell guys, what have we become?
David Thomas: ‘Yeah, it is a bit weird…’
Tom Williams: ’Lets just pretend the past five minutes never happened.’

Chloe Guy: ‘You’re just taking those Tic-Tacs to be more like House,’
Tom Williams: ‘Shut up…! The others haven’t figured out yet.’

Seb Davies: ‘We’re going,’
Maddie Pegrum: ‘Why?’
Seb Davies: ‘Tom wants to talk to some girls over there,’
Tom Williams (to Maddie): ‘No, I don’t, I just want my Prit Stick back,’
Tom Williams (in a hushed voice to Seb): ‘Must you always make me look like some sex fiend?’
Seb Davies: ‘What? You want to talk to them?’
Tom Williams: ‘To get my glue!’

David Thomas: ‘I NEED TO CHECK YOUR EYES!’

Ollie Beaney (trying to pick what to buy): ‘You coming here has just made me realise how awful I am at making decisions.’

Chloe Guy (holding out arms for a hug)
Tom Williams: Awww…Sweet, you’re trying to fly again.
Chloe Guy: You’re a…Really horrible person!

Ollie Gummary: ‘We can go in the Common Room?’
Tom Williams: ‘Ah…I dunno, it makes me feel agitated’
Ollie Gummary: ‘Why?’
Tom Williams: ‘It’s full of common people.’

Tom Williams: ‘Fuck the what?’
Max South, Matt Smith, other football related people: Hysterical laughter.
Tom Williams: ‘My God…I’m bonding with the idiots,’
Max South, Matt Smith, other football related people: More laughter.

Tom Williams: ‘What are you doing, Campbell?’
Campbell Williams: ‘Doing life.’

Tom Williams: ‘I’m hunting sheep!’
Bryony Smith: ‘Oh Jesus…’

Tom Williams: ‘I don’t actually believe that’s the time…The numbers look too small.’

Alex Kennedy: ‘Just imagine if the interviewer asks…Tell us something interesting about yourself,’
Tom Williams: ‘Ah yes, I’ve got that covered…Until two weeks ago, I was, in fact, a tabby cat.’

Tom Williams: ‘Well, David did once have this tiny little ginger girlfriend,’
Moments pause
Jess Smith: ‘Now, are you sure that wasn’t a blow up?’

Whilst browsing in a shop
Very masculine, Scottish accent: ‘You alright, David?’
David throws terrified look to Tom,
Tom Williams: ‘Break rank! Break rank!’

Whilst trying to pass through border control into Ollie’s newly born nation.
Ollie Beaney: ‘And your forename is?’
Tom Williams: ‘Williams,’
Ollie Beaney: ‘And you’re sure that’s your forename?’
Tom Williams ‘…OH FUCK!’

On corridor duty
Tom Williams: ‘She’s…quite attractive,’
Seb Davies laughs
Tom Williams: ‘What’s funny?’
Seb Davies: ‘I was just debating if I should mention it,’
From this, we then decided to try something pretty revolutionary; we would be manly and ‘rate’ year 10-11 girls.
Tom Williams: ‘Woah!’
Seb Davies: ‘Woaaah!’
Tom Williams: ‘I think we have an 8!’
Seb Davies: ‘Hell yes!’
High fives.
Tom Williams (To number 8): ‘Hi!’
Seb Davies (To number 8): ‘Hi!’
Number 8 walks out
Seb Davies: 'I don’t think she heard us,'
Tom Williams: ‘No, Seb, she ignored us.’

Hannah Apperley: ‘And he’s just been sending me…like all these weird texts, for ages now, so in the end I just told him to… FUCK OFF!’

Seb Davies: ‘Oh, Tom! There are now only three people I trust in the world, you, Georgia and…This dog who visits me at weekends.’

Tom Williams: ‘Rejoice! David’s lost his voice!’

Upon opening a packet, Tom accidently spills some wine gums over the pavement.
Tom Williams: ‘Oh…SHIT!’
Seb Davies: ‘Fuck!’
Tom Williams: ‘What do we do? What do we do?’
Seb Davies: ‘Kick them!’
Seb and Tom kick the wine gums into a hedgerow.
Tom Williams: ‘Now what?’
Seb Davies: ‘RUN!’
The two of them sprint away.

On corridor duty:
Tom Williams: ‘Yes?’
Year 7 child: ‘Science teacher,’
Tom Williams: ‘Well, I’m not one of them,’
Tom closes the door.

Seb Davies: ‘Tom, what the hell?’
Tom Williams: ‘The common rooms been locked…I’m observing how the common people are reacting to their common room being taken away,’
Seb Davies: ‘Why’s it been locked?’
Tom Williams: ‘Because of a ‘mess.’ Seriously, by 10, these guys are going to use Mr Morgan as a battering ram, chanting: ‘You’re the mess! You’re the mess!’ they’re rather agitated as it is.’

David Thomas: ‘Tom, I need to talk to you about something,’
Tom Williams: Yeah, sure, ok…Actually, hold on…’
Tom gazes up at the sky briefly
Tom Williams: ‘Oh no, wait, sorry, I don’t care!’

Whilst filming his day
Tom Williams: ‘James! You’re part of my day!’
James Ager: ‘I’m part of my…! I’m part of my day? I’m part of your day as well!’

Tom Williams: ‘Chinooks at fucking 3am! What is this?’

Tom Williams: 'You could ask Simon for change,'
David Thomas: 'No, because I don't just want a button with '10p' scribbled over it.'

MSN CONVERSATIONS:

Ollie Beaney: I’M GOING TO FUCK THE SYSTEM SO HARD!
Tom Williams: Don't fuck it too hard, we don't want to rape the system.

Tom Williams: I’m trying to work out how a laptop can ejaculate, ok?
Tom Williams: It’s difficult.
April Wood: Tom.
April Wood: Allen is a guinea pig.

Ollie Beaney: Medic won’t come…Medics never come.

Commentary to Doctor Who:
Ollie Beaney: Asian girl getting bumfucked.
Tom Williams: That is exactly what is happening.
Tom Williams: Anal rape on Mars.
Tom Williams: None of us saw that coming.
Ollie Beaney: Shit.
Ollie Beaney: Horror movie plot right there.
Ollie Beaney: Anal rapists from mars.

Tom Williams says: HAVE YOU GOT THE COLLOOOUUUURSSS?????
Seb Davies says: WHHHHHYY YEEEEESSSS!!!!
Tom Williams says: Good.

Ollie Beaney: In psych today, my teacher said that Freud built up relations with his subjects by sleeping with a lot of them,
Ollie Beaney: Take a guess at what I’m going to ask for now,
Tom Williams: Haha, go on
Ollie Beaney : Freud porn
Ollie Beaney : I want Freud porn
Tom Williams: I want Darwin Porn, imagine how fucked up that would be!?!
Ollie Beaney : Very
Ollie Beaney : Would he be fucking monkeys under the excuse "they'll be humans one day.'

Tom Williams: TOMORROW
Ollie Beaney: ‘What about it?
Tom Williams: Free house from 7 to 11
Ollie Beaney: At night?
Tom Williams: From 7am to 11pm,
Ollie Beaney: 1. Invite girls over.
Ollie Beaney: 2. ???
Ollie Beaney: 3. PROFIT!

Ollie Beaney: Although, I am considering putting a spanner in my hat.
Tom Williams: What about a pasty?
Ollie Beaney: That’d just make you look like a hobo, who’s perhaps in some strange Pasty cult,
Tom Williams: Ah yeah, can’t associate with them these days after that court hearing.
Ollie Beaney: Yeah, especially after the whole human sacrifice thing… Still, must have been a delicious pasty.
Tom Williams: Bloody was.

Tom Williams: I’LL GIVE YOU A RING-A-DING-LING.
Seb Davies: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Tom Williams: Strap on is ‘No parts’ backwards.
Ollie Beaney: INTERNATIONAL CONSPIRACY
Tom Williams: EXACTLY MY THINKING!
Tom Williams: Wait…This is relevant to the strap on revelation?
Ollie Beaney: Yes.
Tom Williams: Nobody will ever ask you that again, guaranteed.

Jess Smith: It’s ok, was just worried that your crazy neighbour or gremlins had got you,
Tom Williams: I have evidence to suggest that they’re the same thing.

Ollie BeaneY: LOOKED AT IT?
Tom Williams: How do I unlook?...This is just like the time you sent me that Nazi porn.
Tom Williams: See, the funny thing is, you actually did send me that.

Tom Williams: WHAT WOULD YOU CALL THAT MAN?
Tom Williams: Don’t say ‘a cock.’
Ollie Beaney: A cock
Ollie Beaney: (Yes, I said that because you told me not to).
Tom Williams: Yeah, and I guess reverse psychology is just going to go straight through you?
Tom Williams: Don’t say ‘cock.’
Ollie Beaney: Cock.

Ollie Beaney: That’s the rest of the conversation.
Tom Williams: I…I…I don’t believe I just read that. YOU! You had a wonderful chance! TO CREATE THOUGHT!
Tom Williams: TO PLANT LITTLE SEEDS OF THOUGHT! YOU FUCKING ATE THEM
Tom Williams: WHY ARE YOU EATING YOUR SEEDS?
Ollie Beaney: I’m picking them out of my teeth. I can replant them.
Tom Williams: Good luck trying to FUCKING REPLANT.
Ollie Beaney: I CAN GET A TROWEL!

Ollie Beaney: But if the e-Nazis take over IE, then there will be nothing left to protect Firefox or opera.
Ollie Beaney: They have already conquered Google chrome!
Tom Williams: IE will have to be a sacrifice,
Ollie Beaney: It must be done
Tom Williams: It will buy us time
Tom Williams: Firefox must not fall
Ollie Beaney: It will wipe us off the map, but save the others

Tom Williams: WHY ARE WE TALKING IN CAPS LOCK?
Seb Davies: BECAUSE I'M FUCKNIG NAGRY
Tom Williams: YEAH, I’M NAGRY TOO
Seb Davies: *ANGRY

Tom Williams: A good day then...?
Ollie Beaney: FUCKING ANARCHY.
Tom Williams: Can you stop saying that?

Tom.
P.S: 2010 quotes will start being collected January 1st 2010.

The time has come...

2009-12-02T20:07:00.006Z

For a new console. I've been very much anti-consoles, of all types, for a considerable while now. No longer do I get the same thrill I used to obtain from running around multi-coloured worlds as Rayman, blasting everything in sight as a Stormtrooper (the Star Wars kind, not the angry Nazi thugs), and batting for so long my thumbs feel like they might pack up, leave and hold some 'Rights for thumbs' march. I much prefer commanding vast armies in strategy games, like the Total War series, managing and coaching a cricket team on Childish Thing's Cricket Captain series and winning/manipulating MP's to back my latest, arguably radical, bill in Commons on games like Commander In Chief - Geo-Political simulator 2009. These, in depth, vastly complicated RTS games just cannot be replicated on a console, you cannot (to such beautiful depth and realism) command a legion to Portugal, and capture Lisbon through immaculate outflanking maneuvers, aided by the much appreciated reinforcement cavalry, hiding in the hills... You just can't, I know there's a fair amount of buttons on a 360 controller, but even then you don't get close to the might of the keyboard. Take the Sims for example, remember that time when some idiots (clearly off their tits) at EA decided to release The Sims 2 on PS2, remember how much of an epic failure that was? How it was so limited, that the Sims was actually forced to deviate from freedom, something Sims games are widely praised for, but was instead restricted to mission type scenarios, objectives? On the Sims?? To say the least, it did not work.
The last game I purchased for my knackered, now ancient, brick of a PS2 was Call of Duty 5 World at War (review in earlier post), loved this game...Although admittedly, I have never played it since its very speedy completion, but considered the game pretty awesome, on a parr with the breathtaking Call of Duty 3. Elated, that a Call of Duty game had been released on the PS2, yet still somewhat curious at the 360/PS3 counterparts, I remember investigating...And feeling horrified beyond all comprehension.
1. The graphics were so, so much better...This I expected though, of course they were going to be better, no surprises there.
2. You could play in Stalingrad...I couldn't...I had to fight the Japs...The Japs ran at me, screaming Japanese, I did not appreciate this.
3. Multiplayer...None on PS2.
4. Online play...None on PS2.
5. 6 different campaigns...2 on PS2.

They had packed the 'modern' and 'shiny' consoles with so many added goodies, it was infuriating, I felt cheated, like I had to own a 360/PS3 to really get the most out of this game....THAT, MY LOYAL DISCIPLES, was precisely what they intended for me to feel, a sense of 'Wow...If only I had a big fat 360, I could even play Modern Warfare, the GAME THEY FORGOT TO RELEASE ON PS2, EVEN AT A TIME WHEN PS2 OWNERSHIP OUTRANKED THAT OF PS3.' I refused to update, to follow the mob, I would stay true to my PS2 (rhyming is fun), and when they eventually stop making PS2 games, I'll just.... Play loads of PC games. Which is what I have been doing. For a long, long time.

I'm content with this. As I have already made clear, I love RTS games the most, and these you can't get on any consoles, I still haven't quite repressed all memories of my FPS days, but I'm fine, I can cope, I'm strong enough to just stick with my Geo-Political Simulators, and force myself to shun those PS3 fools. But, PC games have taken a turn, unlike a console, PC games are played on a PC (just to clear up any confusion over that one), PC's are sporadic gits, who require delicate graphics cards, have something called Windows installed on them, which is like some anti-Christ of an operating system.
Get a mac then? I'm not getting a mac, who makes games for macs? And there is no way in hell I can afford a gaming PC. My own PC, Geoffery, for all that he's good for, stutters and stammers his way through the latest games like a retard through Oscar Wilde.

And then, the final straw. I saw a promotional video for Tom Clancy's EndWar for the 360 earlier. Wow. A strategy game for the 360, I looked at this for a giggle, I ended up being completely won over, very few advertisements have had that effect on me. They have countered the problem of lack of buttons with the voice controller headset device THINGY. You simply command your armies, THROUGH DIRECT ORDERS...'2nd platoon continue suppressing fire, air support in waiting,' etc etc....I would SO be in my element, 'Reichsfuhrer requests that all men charge at the enemy tanks equipped with nothing but large stones.' This video then led on to the Beatles RockBand game, love the Beatles, how could I not feel tempted? HOW???

I've asked for a 360 for Christmas...May God assist in my Sony to Microsoft controller conversion learning process, may God allow me to get back into FPS games once more, may God encourage Bes to 'lend' me many of his 360 games, and finally may God make sure that Microsoft don't release the Xbox 360+ or something annoyingly similar.

In other news, OPERATION NARB IS A GO. THIS SHIT IS HAPPENING. THIS SATURDAY. This could well be my last ever blog post.

Tom,
P.S: A Chinese person commented on my blog the other day, whoever you are, I hate the Chinese, no offence, so I deleted your comment which needed translating anyway. Please accept that I will not promote free speech on my corner of the Internet.

Trading Yesterday.

2009-11-28T21:54:00.009Z

A written post? I know, bit radical. I've been getting steadily (rapidly) annoyed by a vast, unimaginable torrent of Peasant folk who treat their opinion of Politics, Government and the Constitution (not that they have any idea what that is) with words such as: 'Boring', 'Useless' and 'Stupid.' I'm sure they'd consider it rather less stupid to be living in a society without a Government, a democracy countless millions died for, a type of country where things like the Police Force, a free health service, a Fire Brigade, Education, the Courts were all unfunded for, void of existence. Yes, that would make more sense, lets return to the Dark Ages. Cancer research, benefits and the right to a free Education are all supplied by who?...The Queen?...The taxpayer? YES, of course without the Government we wouldn't pay any taxes, so...Nothing we take for granted would exist. I'm not asking any of you to take an interest in Politics, to even vote, just to appreciate its existence, even if it is only for the Veterans sake.

Also getting sick of people talking about how Gordon Brown 'wasn't elected'. He was elected by the constituents of Dunfermline East as a representative of the Labour Party in the 2005 general election, considering the Labour Party has the majority in Commons, he is perfectly and lawfully legitimate for the position of Prime Minister. Churchill wasn't elected as Prime Minister, he took over after Chamberlain resigned, do you all hate Churchill as well? Or, is it more that you're desperate to find someone to blame for the WORLD recession?
And I'm irritated by those who just blindly say they'll vote Conservative, and who are on the whole UNABLE TO NAME ANY ONE OF THEIR POLICIES. They're basically claiming they'd vote Tory even if they're first domestic policy was 'To burn all kittens in public displays at midday in the Norwich area every Tuesday.' These ignorant fools really need to mature.

After all that said, I'm actually in a good mood...Well an OK mood, happiness makes me ill. Saw Bryony today, and despite trekking around fields, rain beating down at an unforgiving strength in search for lights (don't ask), was amusing, it is indeed comforting to learn that some girls have the ability to use sarcasm, and use it well. My book, just to make a change, is developing at quite a pace, I'll make a bold statement and announce that I should have finished the first draft by Christmas.

Is Collingwood the most sporadic England cricketer, in respect to 'form' that this country has ever produced? Yes, actually, he is.

What was happening a year ago in my life? Lets take a look at my 28th Novmeber 2008 post...
'I watched Lost earlier hoping it would give me answers to life, didn't really work.'
'Bugger I feel so ill'
'New series of Live at the Apollo tonight!
'Only I want to cause harm to Alastair Cook for God sake.'
As expected, not a lot changed.

Men who cry, and cry a lot, without good reason deserve to be put through some real anguish, we shouldn't counsel these weasels, instead send them to Helamand Province, make them appreciate some proper terror. Quick note on my title, Trading Yesterday are a band I found, a band so amazing, so incredibly astounding that they were in fact, forced by law, to be ignored by the general population...That's how amazing they are, bands such as the Fray, Green Day, Muse etc...Heard these guys, saw them as a considerable threat and did all in their industry powers to deplete them of recognition. Two videos lie below, one Houseisms video which just makes me giggle, the other is a Trading Yesterday song for you all to listen to, and in theory, appreciate.

Tom,
P.S: Although I do indeed love lists, my blog feature has changed, hope you like it...Though, I couldn't really care less.

Back on the Tic-Tacs.

2009-11-24T19:17:00.003Z

Tom,
P.S: I'm not a bastard...And am not against 'text langauge', these just made me laugh.

A message from the Highlands...

2009-11-16T18:33:00.004Z

Tom,
P.S: Love Alastair Cook's captaincy techniques! Bowlers are being hit for a ridiculous amount of runs, lets bowl batsman, those in the team who are in fact worse at bowling...And it worked.
P.S.S: I don't understand what happens to the lighting about 3/4 of the way through.

VOLVO.MICROWAVE.FLAG.

2009-11-11T20:23:00.000Z

Tom,
P.S: Spread the word...

The sheep have moved....

2008-11-08T14:15:00.002Z

Feeling much better than yesterday. So its Saturday and what have I been doing?
Saw a friend earlier and his crazy dog who attacked my shoes, the dog that is, not the friend. Other than that not much is happening, I feel like I should be working or maybe even writing my book.
What the hell has happened to Australia? Once the best side in the world now a platoon of idiots, I should be happy, its the Ashes next year after all...It's just so odd, I need more time to adjust.
Been listening to Hoppipolla loads, I dont even know what they're saying, they could be singing about the dangers of microwaves in the hands of the Turkish for all I know, but it doesnt really matter quite frankly.
Wow how did that happen?...The sheep moved from one field to the other without me realising, clearly running out of things to say here, will shut up.

Tom,

New England, irony and instrumentals

2008-11-09T22:02:00.001Z

Just come out of watching Stephen Fry in America, that man and his brilliant series have compleatly changed my view on that quite remarkable country.
I now want to visist it more so than Australia, some of the scenery in places such as Arizona and New England are just stunning. Of course like every country, there are places I would very much want to avoid, Las Vegas looks like a complete plastic dump and Miami doesn't seem that appealing.

In other news, on Remembrance Sunday I start writing the chapter in my book where world war three is declared...Just a tad ironic. Was looking over photos from my Somme trip a year or so ago, what a bloody awful waste of people's dreams, hopes and futures in general, urg...

On a lighter note, found a great instrumental youtube channel, loads of instrumentals on there all with download links, I recommend the Muse ones. http://uk.youtube.com/user/instrumentalsandmore

Tom!

If I were Jack Dawson from the film Titanic, there would be a series of noticeable differences....

2009-11-03T20:17:00.016Z

1. I would have lived, either I would have formed some GENIUS plan to get us both rescued, or that ginger girl can get her own board.
2. I would have been upper class, even if I wasn't. Would have stolen that fat American woman's son's dinner jacket not just 'borrowed' it, from then I would simply wonder around the first class decks, talking about my shares in Asquith's government and the pending war.
3. It's lovely and everything, but kissing on the front of the ship...Bit of a health hazard, sorry.
4. My drawings would all be stick men/women.
5. I'm not very good at poker, would probably never have won those tickets in the first place, film would have taken a more bizarre course involving me sitting in a pub in Southampton, crying.
6. I would have stolen that diamond.
7. I would have forced Rose to apologise to that man for sticking her middle finger up at him, running away is bad enough, but that was just unnecessary.
8. I would have just stolen a lot of stuff in general.
9. I doubt Rose really would have been that impressed by my stick drawings, my inability to spit, my bizarre knowledge about wars yet to happen and my disturbing personality links with her fiance.
10. Wouldn't have been able to tap dance.
11. Would have had the caviar.
12. Probably would have found some way to film everything.
13. My 'Don't jump,' talk probably wouldn't have been that effective, she would have jumped and unlike Jack...I'm not going in after her, he's pointed out it would be cold, how about the very real chance of the propellers sucking her under and proceeding to grind her up into very tiny, little, ginger pieces?
14. I would have so kicked off when Cal started shooting at me, it's pretty certain we're going to die anyway, give us a break.
15. Similar to the above, would have yelled a lot at that guy's failure to pass keys to me.
16. Good chance I would have respected the fact that that particular car was someone elses property.

Yeah, I was ill today, watched a film (guess which one!). I find it sad for all the wrong reasons, why oh why could I not have been born in Edwardian society?

Also, I received a disturbing email today: It's me David, get this I HAVE THE INTERNET NOW! DAVID IS ONLINE GOD HELP THE WORLD! The enemy appears to be mobilising, I have contingency protocols in place for this, everything will be fine.
WHAT WAS HAPPENING EXACTLY A YEAR AGO IN MY LIFE, THESE QUOTES SHOULD INFORM YOU:
'Last day of half term today.'
'Might have to employ S's services as a bodyguard to combat the evil work of Angry Girl.'
'Tried watching Top Gear on iplayer earlier, nope it just wasnt having any of it, how annoying.'

Tom,
P.S: I would have made my own lifeboat out of a wardrobe.

A written post?!?!?!?!

2009-11-02T20:13:00.011Z

Yeah, I've gone a bit mental, back to using proper, good, reliable words rather than meaningless and undeniably insane videos. I should be writing some notes on 'Oh what a lovely war' for Drama, then revise some William Pitt (the younger) notes for timed essay tomorrow, thankfully I think Pitt's awesome, so the latter doesn't particularly bother me. Studying 'Oh, what a lovely war!' For Drama, FINALLY THE DRAMA DEPARTMENT HAVE LISTENED TO ME! After many, many years of complaining, a play about war we have to study, I've been helping Miss Monk with all the World War 1 historical background malarkey, for once, Drama isn't so bad... Though I expect that will all change tomorrow, going to see some ridiculous play with a bunch of people I'm either unfriendly with or don't know, ah, but this is what iPods are made for. No, that's a false statement, iPods probably weren't made for awkward social situations, I just bought one to combat that problem.

Using Realtek HD Audio Manager I've made James Blunt sound like a man, doing the world a favour once again.

Earlier was pretty distressing, I was talking to my English teacher about what I wanted to do for coursework, our conversation reached a point like this...
'You're very good at using sarcasm in your work, you need to mention this in your commentaries though,'
'Yes, true,'
'So what is sarcasm, Tom?'
And for that brief, horrifying moment in time, I had literally no idea.
'Errr...It's....urr...when you exaggerate something?'
'No, not really,'
'Sorry, I'm told I use sarcasm all the time, I...I don't know what it is.'
This bothered me a lot, so I had a very good think and wrote the following for my English teacher:
Sarcasm - A guide.
Sarcasm is the delivery of a point or message, which when delivered in the correct tone, bears an underlying message. For example, something false, but in a tone which is obvious to the reader or listener, and thus informing them on the real point.
'Tom, you're going to Munich again,'
'Yes, because that makes a change.'
The tone makes clear the statement is not to be taken in a literal sense, if poorly performed, the sarcasm can be lost.
My English teacher was pleased anyway.

At first I was a bit sceptical, this probably isn't Robert Webb, Sam Bain or Jesse Armstrong, but Ollie was like: 'I BET IT IS!' And Bryony backed him up with something similar, therefore, it must be, HOW AWESOME IS THAT????? - Rhetorical, I already know the answer, VERY awesome.

I bought a poppy earlier, then at lunch found it had escaped my jumper, pretty distressing little moment there. Thankfully though, from Bes's advice I 'retraced my steps' and for once it actually worked! Good old Bes.

'Tom, this is bollocks! What the hell was happening exactly a year ago in your life?' I hear you cry like a distressed backbencher, well, cry no more, for due to my blog's one year anniversary, I can now tell you.
SOME INFORMATIVE QUOTES FROM MY SUNDAY 3RD NOVEMBER POST 2008:
'Ok firstly England lost.'
'I will walk from my home in the Cotswolds to the middle of Ireland.'
'Should I stop talking to my computer...yes definitely.'
'Love life, has that changed at all?...Ha ha as if.'

Wow...I've just gone full circle, how depressing.

Tom,
P.S: A year ago I had been inspired by the Corrs, still am, how very reassuring.
P.S.S: http://omegle.com/ - Such fun.

Well, I found this funny.

2009-11-01T13:15:00.003Z

Tom,
P.S: I said there would be a special post, what did you seriously expect? I'M VERY BUSY.

The British Revolution.

2009-10-28T15:01:00.003Z

Tom,
P.S: In two days time a year of my life will have been recorded on the Internet, one hell of a special post coming up...

Saturday 17th October

2009-10-18T11:59:00.004+01:00

PART ONE:

AND TWO:

Tom,
P.S: This amount of weapons isn't typical of a normal Saturday, honest.

Coming soon...

2009-10-15T20:01:00.005+01:00

Tom,
P.S: This isn't a confirmed production by the way, if half of it is me by a computer, then I won't upload it...I'll deliberately do SOMETHING exciting though, light a fire, jeer at the church, climb a tree etc...
P.S.S: Yeah, I said my next post would be a written one...Gosh! Did I lie?

I have so mastered video blogging...

2009-10-14T20:53:00.004+01:00

Tom,
P.S: If anyone wants those songs? Just ask, or get them the proper way (with coins) and fund the artist, whatever....NEXT blog post, you'll be relieved to know is a written one.
P.S.S: DECIDED TO SAVE THE EPILEPTICS! Used a more suitable clip.

This is what happens when you go into a video blog with no idea what you're going to talk about...

2009-10-12T20:59:00.002+01:00

Tom,
P.S: Yeah, they'll be more scripted in the future. This isn't sad me sitting in front of a camera doing this on a regular basis, perhaps it's sad you watching it? Please don't stop watching though, just maybe if you find yourself watching it more than three times...Speak to someone, yeah?

HELL THE WHAT IS THIS??? This, my friends, is video blogging.

2009-10-11T20:15:00.004+01:00

Tom,
P.S: This whole video blogging phenomenon won't last, I still plan to do written posts, just trying to be 21st century here folks.

I felt sad that nobody but me could experience a day in my life, I took action...

2009-10-07T19:42:00.003+01:00

And part 2......

Tom,
P.S: Yeah, this was a 'video blog'.

'Are you locked up in a world thats been planned out for you? Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?'

2009-10-03T22:04:00.012+01:00

First things first (because that actually makes sense), 'The Latest Woes Of Ian Bell' has once again seen curtains fall upon its...Face? Basically, the end of the English domestic season has now come to a close, Ian wasn't part of the Champions League Squad and I doubt he'll play much of a part in the South Africa tour. Yep, Ian's going to be having to a quiet winter, lots of crying himself to sleep and disappointment when Father Christmas doesn't bring him some new batting gloves...Slightly hypocritical Tom, slightly.
Sticking on the cricket front, THANK GOD England lost to Australia in the semi-final of the Champions League! Never felt so relieved. We had already beaten South Africa (ranked first) and Sri Lanka, two sides which should have easily squashed us like the insignificant pompous bugs we are, instead Strauss led his men valiantly to two, nigh on impossible, victories. I think I speak for all when I say I felt very guilty. We're not supposed to win, we're supposed to come 6th or 7th, NOT 4TH. Andrew Strauss needs to learn his place.

Today I replaced Neil the iPod. I was running out of memory on my little 4gb 3rd gen Nano, it was time for a replacement to come in, a big meaty 8gb replacement. That's right people, Nigel is twice the size of Neil and HAS A FUCKING VIDEO CAMERA ON HIS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love the new Nano! The camera is so mindblowingly stupendous, love how Apple have crammed it full of features...The thermal body heat mode, the 'Cyborg' mode, the 'Security Camera' mode etc etc...In total there's about 40 different settings. The 5th gen of Nano is not perfect though, I confess I like the whole 'Shake the iPod and you can shuffle your songs' feature. Tiny problem when you place the iPod in your pocket and walk.

I bought my new iPod from Argos....I've never purchased anything from Argos before. My God. What the hell is that place? 'Forget placing the products on a shelf/rack/product display case for the customer to buy, instead they shall follow THE BIBLE OF SHOPPING.' No, that catalogue is like trying to navigate through Hong Kong in a Panzer Tank, it doesn't work. Then, I have to fill out this weird form, take it to this needlessly attractive twenty something year old girl who gives me more stuff to sign and then tells me to sit down. Sit down? This was just more and more absurd, I sat down, looking up at this monitor which actually read just like a train timetable, watching order 661 fall into the 'processing' section, it EVENTUALLY did...Anyway, after 15 minutes I was walking away with a new iPod, not sure how I got there, but I did. Do have no money though...Felt so sad passing it over, like part of me had died, that job offer my parents keep on screaming at me over dinner is becoming infuriatingly tempting...

'Everything' By Lifehouse is a song which sickens me. I quite like the song, it's ok to listen to, but seriously the lyrics...Bloody hell, read this:

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

I would HATE to become so dependant on someone, so dominated by them that my life and feelings for them matched those lyrics, that wouldn't give me strength feeling like that, it would make me feel very, very sad. Christ, having someone as your 'purpose' is not a good thing, what if your purpose got run over? What are you going to do then? Find a new one? 'Everything' by Lifehouse represents the absolute dependency people can become of one another. Sure, they're at the top of the whole love experience, and justifiably so they're the ones who come crashing down with twice as much force. Imagine if they were also fat.
Lets stick on the personal talk front for a while, I spoke to someone for the first time in a while last night. There are some people in this world who you might be ridiculosly close to, but they don't know you, they base a few small examples of your behaviour on your entire character, in essence they mould a new one around who you actually are. This person has done that, they really have made some pretty massive character misjudgements about me, I do lie, I do think I'm always right and I am most certainly not a happy person. Yet, it doesn't bother me that they've really made a mess of deciding what sort of human being I am, all they've done is described a perfect form of me, something I'm not, something I want to be.

Peep Show wasn't so great last night, still hilarious, just not as good....I'm not worried, this usually happens, it will pick up again. Tomorrow will not be fun, so much fucking History work...Do not like the French revolution, do not like the Englightenment, do like Pitt...Pitt work not in for two weeks...Unfair, I'll happily write about Pitt, not the French.

Not much else to say...

Tom,
P.S: Title lyrics are 'She' - Green Day.

'Go on, stab my stuff, fork it to smitherenes!' - Peep Show series 6 - because something has to keep me going.

2009-09-27T19:53:00.007+01:00

Stupid blood brain, I have some free time, I actually have some free time, after my beautiful Sunday afternoon was overrun with English work (will rant about THAT soon enough), God's day became Miss Rodrdigue's day, I am not pleased and I doubt God is either. Anyway, might try and finish chapter 11 of my book, only a few more pages to go, I know what happens...
1. MRI scan shows he's fine
2. Appointment with therapist is booked
3. Drugs are prescribed
4. Doctor recommends Jack disobeys Darren's latest order, Jack agrees.
5. Jack phones up Ed/Sam/Lucy, tells him/her he'd like to go.
That's what happens in the remainder of chapter 11 in chronological order, yet I can't actually write, what the hell? That isn't writer's block, that's just...Stupid. 'Go outside, get some fresh air, bowl some off spin in the garden Tom' my brain recommends. Bad idea. Lost my tennis ball after gentle off spin against the house became ferocious fast bowling, I lost my precious tennis ball in some flowers, neighbour gave me an odd look as I was crawling around a flower bed looking for a ball. I haven't found it by the way, I'm depressed.

Yesterday some interesting personal shit happened, am I going to write about it? No, no I'm not. Disappointed? I'm glad. But why Tom? We're fed up of hearing about cricket and the apocalypse, yeah I know funny readers, but I'd hate to sadden you all. On that tone...My English work, I have to write a commentary on the autobiographical extract I did. I can now conclude it was the most pointless excercise I have ever been set to complete, having to justify why I put an amazing adjective there or why I keep on using rhetorical questions is just silly, why do I have to explain why I'm amazing? The exam board can probably see that, I most certainly can (I wrote it), can we just leave it how it is please?

Wow Facebook intrigues me. Charlie Aitkin gave you an energy pack in Mafia Wars. Firstly, I have not spoken to him in over five years, why is he being so generous to me? Secondly, what the hell even is Mafia Wars?

Below is an amazing song set to an incredible video. Everyone should watch Band of Brothers, it should be made compulsory viewing, serious I want a law imposed, I might write a letter. The Pacific set to be broadcast next year looks INCREDI-BILL as well, that's right, not incredible, INCREDI-BILL.

Tom,
P.S: England are cocking up an easy victory over South Africa, however I don't mind. We beat Sri Lanka the other day, I'm finding it weird this new found winning...I actually feel guilty about it, like I should apologise to the teams that are SUPPOSED to be good.

'Pulverize the Eiffel towers who criticize your government'

2009-09-24T22:34:00.005+01:00

My new philosophy: 'If you avoid something hard enough it becomes unbearably noticeable and finds you.' Classic example being Gordon Brown and power. My philosophy is somewhat flawed however, some things are avoided through choice, some things are avoided through planted obstacles, Gordon Brown falls into the latter of these two categories.

Not looking forward to tomorrow, 'Speak Easy' day, what the hell does that even mean? Learnt today that we're haphazardly placed into random groups, I hate this widespread and unfortunately nourished educational policy. They claim that by working with people you don't usually spend time with is realistic to a working environment, no it's not, in an actual working environment I have the option to leave whenever I want. A working environment has systems of power and authority, people are forced to work alongside each other because they need money TO LIVE. Are Speak Easy going to be feeding us? Or better still, paying us?

The only positive coming out of today was corridor duty actually, despite the fact my platoon was given an IMPOSSIBLE corridor, nobody can stop the mob at the main corridor entrance. I still had a laugh though, bonded with a funny specky kid with a crazy multicoloured badge and terrified a year seven girl. I apologised to her by the way, sort of had to, I want to appear threatening (not aided by Henry sitting next to me knitting) but not to the point where I make children cry. 'The only positive coming out of today was corridor duty' - Oh good God my life sucks.

Tom,
P.S: Green Day - Holiday being the title lyrics.

NHS - National Health SMELLS.

2009-09-16T21:15:00.012+01:00

bleeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg. I've got swine flu, it just hasn't been confirmed yet. I match four of the seven available swine flu symptoms on the NHS site, doesn't that mean I qualify? When are the paranoid masked men going to come round and put me in a containment field? I've been waiting a while now. At least Swine Flu would be a talking point, FLU is just dull.

I'm fed up of riddles in people's personal messages on MSN, or people using their personal messages as a 'LOOK AT MY DEPRESSION' advert. Erm...Yes, I'm not going to list examples, we've all seen it before haven't we? The whole: 'I want my life to end, I'm so unhappy, BLAH, BLAH, FUCKING BLAH.' I'm in an incredibly bad mood by the way. I can't write my sodding book, despite the fact I know EVERYTHING which happens in the final few chapters, sometimes down to the very words, I just can't write!!! I'm forever staring at the flashing cursor tormenting me, if cursors were linguistic mine would be in hysterics. So instead I'm just going to vent on this for a while.

Started talking to a Finnish girl on Omegle earlier, now on MSN. That's the second Finnish girl I have on MSN, Finland has a very small population, do I want all the women in Finland loving me? Would that really be a good thing? Kinda cool having an entire countries female population adoring you, I'd feel guilty though, nothing I can't live with however. Anyway, I found it interesting talking to...Can't remember her name, talking to Fin 2, she's completely different to Fin 1. Talking to Fin 2 is like conversing to a rather thick chav, she actually likes R&B and all sorts of weird stuff. Fin 1 is just scary, she hates everything and everyone, awesome in some respects but she's simply too weird, for example she likes Ballet and swims in Lakes. I'm not sure what it is with me and Finnish people, I'm starting to think sarcasm doesn't exist in Helsinki. Also had a full blown DEMOCRACY V COMMUNISM row with a Chinese guy earlier! He so lost that.

Did just give my mobile number to the Her Majesty's Ministry for Education...Do I want the Government having my mobile number? Bugger. Like to add now, I'm not just phoning up The Ministry for Education and yelling my number at them, I filled out a Youth Parliament form.

So very depressed, so very ill, so very hateful.

Tom,
P.S: Didn't even laugh at the 4 minute preview of Peep Show, unlike the whole of YOUTUBE I just didn't find it that funny...Oh God. DO CHANNEL 4 REALISE PEEP SHOW SERIES 6 IS ALL I AM LIVING FOR?
P.S.S: I finally agree with Obama on something! Kanye West is a jackass.

The day I met Ian Bell.

2009-05-29T23:39:00.009+01:00

Oh yeah people, I have met IAN BELL, even exchanged a few words with my former Nemesis. Former Nemesis? Yes I'll explain all that soon enough... Firstly, let me explain by saying that I went to the twenty20 Warwickshire V Worcestershire (sick of seeing that team) game at Edgbaston in Birmingham. My second time at Edgbaston, not a beauitful ground, more built for purpose, however with it's 25000 seats filled there was a great atmosphere going, I believe a mexican wave went round about four times...Which was silly but quite cool. I did get a tad annoyed with the almost football like members of the crowd, after about four beers they all started chanting really pointless songs 'I'd rather be a bear than a pear...I'd rather be a bear than a pear,' I understand some of that song, the bear being a sort of mascot of Warwickshire or at least there's a bear on the club logo...Pear though? Was it just the thrill of finding a fruit that rhymed?

The game itself was pretty good, convincing enough victory, not going to write in detail about it (see a BBC match report if you want) as I'm going to write for my target audience (revising see..?) and most people who read this thing don't give a shit about the fact I reckon Jonathan Trott was very lucky to not get out after the sixth over...This opinion being backed up by a very large bald man who began chanting 'CHEAT!'

So yeah...After the game me and my brother went round to the players pavillion as the teams were sigining stuff and generally mingling with the crowd, which can I just say now I like to see at cricket matches, it doesn't happen at football games, you can't get anywhere near the players, cricket is different, long may it continue. So eventually me and Campbell spotted the short freckle coated face of Ian Bell, he was standing about 4 meters away when I saw him...I didn't know what to do, go and give the guy a sympathetic hug or throw a sturdy brick? In the end I followed Campell's lead and walked up to him, my brother simply held out a bat to which Ian (yeah I'm on first name terms) signed without comment, I didn't have my bat, I don't know why Campbell did, maybe he thought he was playing? But I did have my 2009 playfair annual, turned to the blank page at the back and just held it out to Ian...I was pretty concerned that by some miracle he reads this blog and knows how much I mock him and would consequently burn my annual in front of my face, he didn't though, using my brothers pen he signed the book in one quick movement...He then looked blankly at me and said...
'Whose pen is that, is that your's?' It sounds quite aggressive, but it wasn't,
'Yeah that's mine, thanks...' I replied quietly, Ian handed me my brother's pen and then just looked me in the eye and nodded...I don't know what that nod was all about, could be a: 'I read your blog, I'm going to kick you in the balls one day' but I prefer to think of it more as a one shit batsman recognising another type of nod, after all I nodded back....

THEN!!! Just to top everything off, I got Ashley Giles's signature, who until 2006 was England's number one spin bowler, played in 3 Ashes series and is now the Warwickshire head coach...No words or nods with him, I did notice though he had these HUGE hands...Shame he couldn't use them to catch Ponting at Adelaide....

That's Giles embarassing an Australian batsman in 2005, good times.

And of course the signatures...

BYE FOLKS!

Tom,
P.S: Oh yeah 'Former Nemesis'...Decided Ian Bell's cool, will find a new blog feature soon enough.