How does Tom Williams celebrate the new year?

Tom,
P.S: The cat DID return, with girls!.....No, he didn't.

Review of 2009.

Jesus...Unfortunately, I don't really know how to write this. Have a badger at my shortest ever video blog, a montage of ramblings...

Quotes of 2009.

Quotes of the year. Here they are...

‘Break rank! Break rank!’ – Used whenever something vaguely dramatic happens, unsure who first initiated the command.

Tom Williams: ‘Thank you Riddle Man! You have saved the village!’

David Thomas: ‘There are men with guns in here…’

Tom Williams: ‘Gentlemen…Close the doors.’ – Followed by David Thomas and Seb Davies both simultaneously and in perfect synchronisation closing the double doors.

Louis Le Breuilly: ‘The Death Star!’

Tom Williams: ‘It’s time, I’m initiating Operation Barbarossa.’
David Thomas (with genuine concern): ‘Oh…SHIT!’

Seb Davies: ‘You still like her, don’t you?’
Tom Williams: ‘No,’
Seb Davies: ‘Oh, ok,’
Tom Williams: ‘You’re still a cock, aren’t you?’

Bryony Smith: ‘Look Tom! I’ve found Dee!’ – holding a Swiss roll.

David Thomas: ‘Gravity accelerator 5!’
Tom Williams: ‘No David, that’s a weight.’

Tom Williams: ‘It’s always five to nine!’

Jess Smith: ‘Yes, you did David!’
David Thomas: ‘I didn’t throw it!’
Jess Smith: ‘Then, what’s that I can feel in my bra?’
Tom Williams: ‘Err…Your breast?’

Tom Williams: ‘I don’t like this,’
Seb Davies: ‘Don’t like what?’
Tom Williams: ‘This room…! There’s too many happy people, too many young people, too many young and happy people.’
Seb Davies: ‘Oh yes, silly me to pick a room boasting happiness.’
Tom Williams: ‘Silly you.’

Kirstie Smith: ‘Hey Tom,’
Tom Williams (after pausing iPod): ‘Ah...No…No, no, you can wait until the song ends.’

Louis Le Breuilly: ‘In...Squishy, squishy…Out!’

David Thomas: ‘Tom! Wait!’
Tom Williams: ‘You know you’re the most disappointing stalker I’ve ever had?’

Louis Le Breuilly: ‘Parsnip…?’

Tom Williams: ‘What have you got from the shop, Bryony?’
Bryony Smith: ‘Fake teeth, fake blood and…A FLAPJACK!’

Seb Davies: ‘Who you talking about?’
David Thomas: ‘Keira Knightley or Taylor Swift?’
Seb Davies: ‘Oh tough call..’
Tom Williams: ‘I said Taylor,’
Seb Davies: ‘I dunno…’
David Thomas: ‘In fairness I’d do both,’
Moments pause.
Tom Williams: ‘Oh my God! We’ve known each other for, how long…? And this is the first time we’ve ever had such a manly debate, ‘Oh I’d love to do her’, ‘Oh I’d give her one’, fucking hell guys, what have we become?
David Thomas: ‘Yeah, it is a bit weird…’
Tom Williams: ’Lets just pretend the past five minutes never happened.’

Chloe Guy: ‘You’re just taking those Tic-Tacs to be more like House,’
Tom Williams: ‘Shut up…! The others haven’t figured out yet.’

Seb Davies: ‘We’re going,’
Maddie Pegrum: ‘Why?’
Seb Davies: ‘Tom wants to talk to some girls over there,’
Tom Williams (to Maddie): ‘No, I don’t, I just want my Prit Stick back,’
Tom Williams (in a hushed voice to Seb): ‘Must you always make me look like some sex fiend?’
Seb Davies: ‘What? You want to talk to them?’
Tom Williams: ‘To get my glue!’

David Thomas: ‘I NEED TO CHECK YOUR EYES!’

Ollie Beaney (trying to pick what to buy): ‘You coming here has just made me realise how awful I am at making decisions.’

Chloe Guy (holding out arms for a hug)
Tom Williams: Awww…Sweet, you’re trying to fly again.
Chloe Guy: You’re a…Really horrible person!

Ollie Gummary: ‘We can go in the Common Room?’
Tom Williams: ‘Ah…I dunno, it makes me feel agitated’
Ollie Gummary: ‘Why?’
Tom Williams: ‘It’s full of common people.’

Tom Williams: ‘Fuck the what?’
Max South, Matt Smith, other football related people: Hysterical laughter.
Tom Williams: ‘My God…I’m bonding with the idiots,’
Max South, Matt Smith, other football related people: More laughter.

Tom Williams: ‘What are you doing, Campbell?’
Campbell Williams: ‘Doing life.’

Tom Williams: ‘I’m hunting sheep!’
Bryony Smith: ‘Oh Jesus…’

Tom Williams: ‘I don’t actually believe that’s the time…The numbers look too small.’

Alex Kennedy: ‘Just imagine if the interviewer asks…Tell us something interesting about yourself,’
Tom Williams: ‘Ah yes, I’ve got that covered…Until two weeks ago, I was, in fact, a tabby cat.’

Tom Williams: ‘Well, David did once have this tiny little ginger girlfriend,’
Moments pause
Jess Smith: ‘Now, are you sure that wasn’t a blow up?’

Whilst browsing in a shop
Very masculine, Scottish accent: ‘You alright, David?’
David throws terrified look to Tom,
Tom Williams: ‘Break rank! Break rank!’

Whilst trying to pass through border control into Ollie’s newly born nation.
Ollie Beaney: ‘And your forename is?’
Tom Williams: ‘Williams,’
Ollie Beaney: ‘And you’re sure that’s your forename?’
Tom Williams ‘…OH FUCK!’

On corridor duty
Tom Williams: ‘She’s…quite attractive,’
Seb Davies laughs
Tom Williams: ‘What’s funny?’
Seb Davies: ‘I was just debating if I should mention it,’
From this, we then decided to try something pretty revolutionary; we would be manly and ‘rate’ year 10-11 girls.
Tom Williams: ‘Woah!’
Seb Davies: ‘Woaaah!’
Tom Williams: ‘I think we have an 8!’
Seb Davies: ‘Hell yes!’
High fives.
Tom Williams (To number 8): ‘Hi!’
Seb Davies (To number 8): ‘Hi!’
Number 8 walks out
Seb Davies: 'I don’t think she heard us,'
Tom Williams: ‘No, Seb, she ignored us.’

Hannah Apperley: ‘And he’s just been sending me…like all these weird texts, for ages now, so in the end I just told him to… FUCK OFF!’

Seb Davies: ‘Oh, Tom! There are now only three people I trust in the world, you, Georgia and…This dog who visits me at weekends.’

Tom Williams: ‘Rejoice! David’s lost his voice!’

Upon opening a packet, Tom accidently spills some wine gums over the pavement.
Tom Williams: ‘Oh…SHIT!’
Seb Davies: ‘Fuck!’
Tom Williams: ‘What do we do? What do we do?’
Seb Davies: ‘Kick them!’
Seb and Tom kick the wine gums into a hedgerow.
Tom Williams: ‘Now what?’
Seb Davies: ‘RUN!’
The two of them sprint away.

On corridor duty:
Tom Williams: ‘Yes?’
Year 7 child: ‘Science teacher,’
Tom Williams: ‘Well, I’m not one of them,’
Tom closes the door.

Seb Davies: ‘Tom, what the hell?’
Tom Williams: ‘The common rooms been locked…I’m observing how the common people are reacting to their common room being taken away,’
Seb Davies: ‘Why’s it been locked?’
Tom Williams: ‘Because of a ‘mess.’ Seriously, by 10, these guys are going to use Mr Morgan as a battering ram, chanting: ‘You’re the mess! You’re the mess!’ they’re rather agitated as it is.’

David Thomas: ‘Tom, I need to talk to you about something,’
Tom Williams: Yeah, sure, ok…Actually, hold on…’
Tom gazes up at the sky briefly
Tom Williams: ‘Oh no, wait, sorry, I don’t care!’

Whilst filming his day
Tom Williams: ‘James! You’re part of my day!’
James Ager: ‘I’m part of my…! I’m part of my day? I’m part of your day as well!’

Tom Williams: ‘Chinooks at fucking 3am! What is this?’

Tom Williams: 'You could ask Simon for change,'
David Thomas: 'No, because I don't just want a button with '10p' scribbled over it.'



MSN CONVERSATIONS:

Ollie Beaney: I’M GOING TO FUCK THE SYSTEM SO HARD!
Tom Williams: Don't fuck it too hard, we don't want to rape the system.

Tom Williams: I’m trying to work out how a laptop can ejaculate, ok?
Tom Williams: It’s difficult.
April Wood: Tom.
April Wood: Allen is a guinea pig.

Ollie Beaney: Medic won’t come…Medics never come.


Commentary to Doctor Who:
Ollie Beaney: Asian girl getting bumfucked.
Tom Williams: That is exactly what is happening.
Tom Williams: Anal rape on Mars.
Tom Williams: None of us saw that coming.
Ollie Beaney: Shit.
Ollie Beaney: Horror movie plot right there.
Ollie Beaney: Anal rapists from mars.


Tom Williams says: HAVE YOU GOT THE COLLOOOUUUURSSS?????
Seb Davies says: WHHHHHYY YEEEEESSSS!!!!
Tom Williams says: Good.

Ollie Beaney: In psych today, my teacher said that Freud built up relations with his subjects by sleeping with a lot of them,
Ollie Beaney: Take a guess at what I’m going to ask for now,
Tom Williams: Haha, go on
Ollie Beaney : Freud porn
Ollie Beaney : I want Freud porn
Tom Williams: I want Darwin Porn, imagine how fucked up that would be!?!
Ollie Beaney : Very
Ollie Beaney : Would he be fucking monkeys under the excuse "they'll be humans one day.'

Tom Williams: TOMORROW
Ollie Beaney: ‘What about it?
Tom Williams: Free house from 7 to 11
Ollie Beaney: At night?
Tom Williams: From 7am to 11pm,
Ollie Beaney: 1. Invite girls over.
Ollie Beaney: 2. ???
Ollie Beaney: 3. PROFIT!

Ollie Beaney: Although, I am considering putting a spanner in my hat.
Tom Williams: What about a pasty?
Ollie Beaney: That’d just make you look like a hobo, who’s perhaps in some strange Pasty cult,
Tom Williams: Ah yeah, can’t associate with them these days after that court hearing.
Ollie Beaney: Yeah, especially after the whole human sacrifice thing… Still, must have been a delicious pasty.
Tom Williams: Bloody was.

Tom Williams: I’LL GIVE YOU A RING-A-DING-LING.
Seb Davies: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Tom Williams: Strap on is ‘No parts’ backwards.
Ollie Beaney: INTERNATIONAL CONSPIRACY
Tom Williams: EXACTLY MY THINKING!
Tom Williams: Wait…This is relevant to the strap on revelation?
Ollie Beaney: Yes.
Tom Williams: Nobody will ever ask you that again, guaranteed.

Jess Smith: It’s ok, was just worried that your crazy neighbour or gremlins had got you,
Tom Williams: I have evidence to suggest that they’re the same thing.

Ollie BeaneY: LOOKED AT IT?
Tom Williams: How do I unlook?...This is just like the time you sent me that Nazi porn.
Tom Williams: See, the funny thing is, you actually did send me that.

Tom Williams: WHAT WOULD YOU CALL THAT MAN?
Tom Williams: Don’t say ‘a cock.’
Ollie Beaney: A cock
Ollie Beaney: (Yes, I said that because you told me not to).
Tom Williams: Yeah, and I guess reverse psychology is just going to go straight through you?
Tom Williams: Don’t say ‘cock.’
Ollie Beaney: Cock.

Ollie Beaney: That’s the rest of the conversation.
Tom Williams: I…I…I don’t believe I just read that. YOU! You had a wonderful chance! TO CREATE THOUGHT!
Tom Williams: TO PLANT LITTLE SEEDS OF THOUGHT! YOU FUCKING ATE THEM
Tom Williams: WHY ARE YOU EATING YOUR SEEDS?
Ollie Beaney: I’m picking them out of my teeth. I can replant them.
Tom Williams: Good luck trying to FUCKING REPLANT.
Ollie Beaney: I CAN GET A TROWEL!

Ollie Beaney: But if the e-Nazis take over IE, then there will be nothing left to protect Firefox or opera.
Ollie Beaney: They have already conquered Google chrome!
Tom Williams: IE will have to be a sacrifice,
Ollie Beaney: It must be done
Tom Williams: It will buy us time
Tom Williams: Firefox must not fall
Ollie Beaney: It will wipe us off the map, but save the others

Tom Williams: WHY ARE WE TALKING IN CAPS LOCK?
Seb Davies: BECAUSE I'M FUCKNIG NAGRY
Tom Williams: YEAH, I’M NAGRY TOO
Seb Davies: *ANGRY

Tom Williams: A good day then...?
Ollie Beaney: FUCKING ANARCHY.
Tom Williams: Can you stop saying that?


Tom.
P.S: 2010 quotes will start being collected January 1st 2010.

The time has come...

For a new console. I've been very much anti-consoles, of all types, for a considerable while now. No longer do I get the same thrill I used to obtain from running around multi-coloured worlds as Rayman, blasting everything in sight as a Stormtrooper (the Star Wars kind, not the angry Nazi thugs), and batting for so long my thumbs feel like they might pack up, leave and hold some 'Rights for thumbs' march. I much prefer commanding vast armies in strategy games, like the Total War series, managing and coaching a cricket team on Childish Thing's Cricket Captain series and winning/manipulating MP's to back my latest, arguably radical, bill in Commons on games like Commander In Chief - Geo-Political simulator 2009. These, in depth, vastly complicated RTS games just cannot be replicated on a console, you cannot (to such beautiful depth and realism) command a legion to Portugal, and capture Lisbon through immaculate outflanking maneuvers, aided by the much appreciated reinforcement cavalry, hiding in the hills... You just can't, I know there's a fair amount of buttons on a 360 controller, but even then you don't get close to the might of the keyboard. Take the Sims for example, remember that time when some idiots (clearly off their tits) at EA decided to release The Sims 2 on PS2, remember how much of an epic failure that was? How it was so limited, that the Sims was actually forced to deviate from freedom, something Sims games are widely praised for, but was instead restricted to mission type scenarios, objectives? On the Sims?? To say the least, it did not work.
The last game I purchased for my knackered, now ancient, brick of a PS2 was Call of Duty 5 World at War (review in earlier post), loved this game...Although admittedly, I have never played it since its very speedy completion, but considered the game pretty awesome, on a parr with the breathtaking Call of Duty 3. Elated, that a Call of Duty game had been released on the PS2, yet still somewhat curious at the 360/PS3 counterparts, I remember investigating...And feeling horrified beyond all comprehension.
1. The graphics were so, so much better...This I expected though, of course they were going to be better, no surprises there.
2. You could play in Stalingrad...I couldn't...I had to fight the Japs...The Japs ran at me, screaming Japanese, I did not appreciate this.
3. Multiplayer...None on PS2.
4. Online play...None on PS2.
5. 6 different campaigns...2 on PS2.

They had packed the 'modern' and 'shiny' consoles with so many added goodies, it was infuriating, I felt cheated, like I had to own a 360/PS3 to really get the most out of this game....THAT, MY LOYAL DISCIPLES, was precisely what they intended for me to feel, a sense of 'Wow...If only I had a big fat 360, I could even play Modern Warfare, the GAME THEY FORGOT TO RELEASE ON PS2, EVEN AT A TIME WHEN PS2 OWNERSHIP OUTRANKED THAT OF PS3.' I refused to update, to follow the mob, I would stay true to my PS2 (rhyming is fun), and when they eventually stop making PS2 games, I'll just.... Play loads of PC games. Which is what I have been doing. For a long, long time.

I'm content with this. As I have already made clear, I love RTS games the most, and these you can't get on any consoles, I still haven't quite repressed all memories of my FPS days, but I'm fine, I can cope, I'm strong enough to just stick with my Geo-Political Simulators, and force myself to shun those PS3 fools. But, PC games have taken a turn, unlike a console, PC games are played on a PC (just to clear up any confusion over that one), PC's are sporadic gits, who require delicate graphics cards, have something called Windows installed on them, which is like some anti-Christ of an operating system.
Get a mac then? I'm not getting a mac, who makes games for macs? And there is no way in hell I can afford a gaming PC. My own PC, Geoffery, for all that he's good for, stutters and stammers his way through the latest games like a retard through Oscar Wilde.

And then, the final straw. I saw a promotional video for Tom Clancy's EndWar for the 360 earlier. Wow. A strategy game for the 360, I looked at this for a giggle, I ended up being completely won over, very few advertisements have had that effect on me. They have countered the problem of lack of buttons with the voice controller headset device THINGY. You simply command your armies, THROUGH DIRECT ORDERS...'2nd platoon continue suppressing fire, air support in waiting,' etc etc....I would SO be in my element, 'Reichsfuhrer requests that all men charge at the enemy tanks equipped with nothing but large stones.' This video then led on to the Beatles RockBand game, love the Beatles, how could I not feel tempted? HOW???

I've asked for a 360 for Christmas...May God assist in my Sony to Microsoft controller conversion learning process, may God allow me to get back into FPS games once more, may God encourage Bes to 'lend' me many of his 360 games, and finally may God make sure that Microsoft don't release the Xbox 360+ or something annoyingly similar.

In other news, OPERATION NARB IS A GO. THIS SHIT IS HAPPENING. THIS SATURDAY. This could well be my last ever blog post.

Tom,
P.S: A Chinese person commented on my blog the other day, whoever you are, I hate the Chinese, no offence, so I deleted your comment which needed translating anyway. Please accept that I will not promote free speech on my corner of the Internet.

Trading Yesterday.

A written post? I know, bit radical. I've been getting steadily (rapidly) annoyed by a vast, unimaginable torrent of Peasant folk who treat their opinion of Politics, Government and the Constitution (not that they have any idea what that is) with words such as: 'Boring', 'Useless' and 'Stupid.' I'm sure they'd consider it rather less stupid to be living in a society without a Government, a democracy countless millions died for, a type of country where things like the Police Force, a free health service, a Fire Brigade, Education, the Courts were all unfunded for, void of existence. Yes, that would make more sense, lets return to the Dark Ages. Cancer research, benefits and the right to a free Education are all supplied by who?...The Queen?...The taxpayer? YES, of course without the Government we wouldn't pay any taxes, so...Nothing we take for granted would exist. I'm not asking any of you to take an interest in Politics, to even vote, just to appreciate its existence, even if it is only for the Veterans sake.

Also getting sick of people talking about how Gordon Brown 'wasn't elected'. He was elected by the constituents of Dunfermline East as a representative of the Labour Party in the 2005 general election, considering the Labour Party has the majority in Commons, he is perfectly and lawfully legitimate for the position of Prime Minister. Churchill wasn't elected as Prime Minister, he took over after Chamberlain resigned, do you all hate Churchill as well? Or, is it more that you're desperate to find someone to blame for the WORLD recession?
And I'm irritated by those who just blindly say they'll vote Conservative, and who are on the whole UNABLE TO NAME ANY ONE OF THEIR POLICIES. They're basically claiming they'd vote Tory even if they're first domestic policy was 'To burn all kittens in public displays at midday in the Norwich area every Tuesday.' These ignorant fools really need to mature.

After all that said, I'm actually in a good mood...Well an OK mood, happiness makes me ill. Saw Bryony today, and despite trekking around fields, rain beating down at an unforgiving strength in search for lights (don't ask), was amusing, it is indeed comforting to learn that some girls have the ability to use sarcasm, and use it well. My book, just to make a change, is developing at quite a pace, I'll make a bold statement and announce that I should have finished the first draft by Christmas.

Is Collingwood the most sporadic England cricketer, in respect to 'form' that this country has ever produced? Yes, actually, he is.

What was happening a year ago in my life? Lets take a look at my 28th Novmeber 2008 post...
'I watched Lost earlier hoping it would give me answers to life, didn't really work.'
'Bugger I feel so ill'
'New series of Live at the Apollo tonight!
'Only I want to cause harm to Alastair Cook for God sake.'
As expected, not a lot changed.

Men who cry, and cry a lot, without good reason deserve to be put through some real anguish, we shouldn't counsel these weasels, instead send them to Helamand Province, make them appreciate some proper terror. Quick note on my title, Trading Yesterday are a band I found, a band so amazing, so incredibly astounding that they were in fact, forced by law, to be ignored by the general population...That's how amazing they are, bands such as the Fray, Green Day, Muse etc...Heard these guys, saw them as a considerable threat and did all in their industry powers to deplete them of recognition. Two videos lie below, one Houseisms video which just makes me giggle, the other is a Trading Yesterday song for you all to listen to, and in theory, appreciate.

Tom,
P.S: Although I do indeed love lists, my blog feature has changed, hope you like it...Though, I couldn't really care less.

Back on the Tic-Tacs.

Tom,
P.S: I'm not a bastard...And am not against 'text langauge', these just made me laugh.

VOLVO.MICROWAVE.FLAG.

Tom,
P.S: Spread the word...

If I were Jack Dawson from the film Titanic, there would be a series of noticeable differences....

1. I would have lived, either I would have formed some GENIUS plan to get us both rescued, or that ginger girl can get her own board.
2. I would have been upper class, even if I wasn't. Would have stolen that fat American woman's son's dinner jacket not just 'borrowed' it, from then I would simply wonder around the first class decks, talking about my shares in Asquith's government and the pending war.
3. It's lovely and everything, but kissing on the front of the ship...Bit of a health hazard, sorry.
4. My drawings would all be stick men/women.
5. I'm not very good at poker, would probably never have won those tickets in the first place, film would have taken a more bizarre course involving me sitting in a pub in Southampton, crying.
6. I would have stolen that diamond.
7. I would have forced Rose to apologise to that man for sticking her middle finger up at him, running away is bad enough, but that was just unnecessary.
8. I would have just stolen a lot of stuff in general.
9. I doubt Rose really would have been that impressed by my stick drawings, my inability to spit, my bizarre knowledge about wars yet to happen and my disturbing personality links with her fiance.
10. Wouldn't have been able to tap dance.
11. Would have had the caviar.
12. Probably would have found some way to film everything.
13. My 'Don't jump,' talk probably wouldn't have been that effective, she would have jumped and unlike Jack...I'm not going in after her, he's pointed out it would be cold, how about the very real chance of the propellers sucking her under and proceeding to grind her up into very tiny, little, ginger pieces?
14. I would have so kicked off when Cal started shooting at me, it's pretty certain we're going to die anyway, give us a break.
15. Similar to the above, would have yelled a lot at that guy's failure to pass keys to me.
16. Good chance I would have respected the fact that that particular car was someone elses property.

Yeah, I was ill today, watched a film (guess which one!). I find it sad for all the wrong reasons, why oh why could I not have been born in Edwardian society?

Also, I received a disturbing email today: It's me David, get this I HAVE THE INTERNET NOW! DAVID IS ONLINE GOD HELP THE WORLD! The enemy appears to be mobilising, I have contingency protocols in place for this, everything will be fine.
WHAT WAS HAPPENING EXACTLY A YEAR AGO IN MY LIFE, THESE QUOTES SHOULD INFORM YOU:
'Last day of half term today.'
'Might have to employ S's services as a bodyguard to combat the evil work of Angry Girl.'
'Tried watching Top Gear on iplayer earlier, nope it just wasnt having any of it, how annoying.'

Tom,
P.S: I would have made my own lifeboat out of a wardrobe.

A written post?!?!?!?!

Yeah, I've gone a bit mental, back to using proper, good, reliable words rather than meaningless and undeniably insane videos. I should be writing some notes on 'Oh what a lovely war' for Drama, then revise some William Pitt (the younger) notes for timed essay tomorrow, thankfully I think Pitt's awesome, so the latter doesn't particularly bother me. Studying 'Oh, what a lovely war!' For Drama, FINALLY THE DRAMA DEPARTMENT HAVE LISTENED TO ME! After many, many years of complaining, a play about war we have to study, I've been helping Miss Monk with all the World War 1 historical background malarkey, for once, Drama isn't so bad... Though I expect that will all change tomorrow, going to see some ridiculous play with a bunch of people I'm either unfriendly with or don't know, ah, but this is what iPods are made for. No, that's a false statement, iPods probably weren't made for awkward social situations, I just bought one to combat that problem.

Using Realtek HD Audio Manager I've made James Blunt sound like a man, doing the world a favour once again.

Earlier was pretty distressing, I was talking to my English teacher about what I wanted to do for coursework, our conversation reached a point like this...
'You're very good at using sarcasm in your work, you need to mention this in your commentaries though,'
'Yes, true,'
'So what is sarcasm, Tom?'
And for that brief, horrifying moment in time, I had literally no idea.
'Errr...It's....urr...when you exaggerate something?'
'No, not really,'
'Sorry, I'm told I use sarcasm all the time, I...I don't know what it is.'
This bothered me a lot, so I had a very good think and wrote the following for my English teacher:
Sarcasm - A guide.
Sarcasm is the delivery of a point or message, which when delivered in the correct tone, bears an underlying message. For example, something false, but in a tone which is obvious to the reader or listener, and thus informing them on the real point.
'Tom, you're going to Munich again,'
'Yes, because that makes a change.'
The tone makes clear the statement is not to be taken in a literal sense, if poorly performed, the sarcasm can be lost.
My English teacher was pleased anyway.


At first I was a bit sceptical, this probably isn't Robert Webb, Sam Bain or Jesse Armstrong, but Ollie was like: 'I BET IT IS!' And Bryony backed him up with something similar, therefore, it must be, HOW AWESOME IS THAT????? - Rhetorical, I already know the answer, VERY awesome.

I bought a poppy earlier, then at lunch found it had escaped my jumper, pretty distressing little moment there. Thankfully though, from Bes's advice I 'retraced my steps' and for once it actually worked! Good old Bes.

'Tom, this is bollocks! What the hell was happening exactly a year ago in your life?' I hear you cry like a distressed backbencher, well, cry no more, for due to my blog's one year anniversary, I can now tell you.
SOME INFORMATIVE QUOTES FROM MY SUNDAY 3RD NOVEMBER POST 2008:
'Ok firstly England lost.'
'I will walk from my home in the Cotswolds to the middle of Ireland.'
'Should I stop talking to my computer...yes definitely.'
'Love life, has that changed at all?...Ha ha as if.'

Wow...I've just gone full circle, how depressing.

Tom,
P.S: A year ago I had been inspired by the Corrs, still am, how very reassuring.
P.S.S: http://omegle.com/ - Such fun.

Well, I found this funny.

Tom,
P.S: I said there would be a special post, what did you seriously expect? I'M VERY BUSY.

The British Revolution.

Tom,
P.S: In two days time a year of my life will have been recorded on the Internet, one hell of a special post coming up...

Saturday 17th October

PART ONE:

AND TWO:

Tom,
P.S: This amount of weapons isn't typical of a normal Saturday, honest.

Coming soon...

Tom,
P.S: This isn't a confirmed production by the way, if half of it is me by a computer, then I won't upload it...I'll deliberately do SOMETHING exciting though, light a fire, jeer at the church, climb a tree etc...
P.S.S: Yeah, I said my next post would be a written one...Gosh! Did I lie?

I have so mastered video blogging...

Tom,
P.S: If anyone wants those songs? Just ask, or get them the proper way (with coins) and fund the artist, whatever....NEXT blog post, you'll be relieved to know is a written one.
P.S.S: DECIDED TO SAVE THE EPILEPTICS! Used a more suitable clip.

This is what happens when you go into a video blog with no idea what you're going to talk about...

Tom,
P.S: Yeah, they'll be more scripted in the future. This isn't sad me sitting in front of a camera doing this on a regular basis, perhaps it's sad you watching it? Please don't stop watching though, just maybe if you find yourself watching it more than three times...Speak to someone, yeah?

HELL THE WHAT IS THIS??? This, my friends, is video blogging.

Tom,
P.S: This whole video blogging phenomenon won't last, I still plan to do written posts, just trying to be 21st century here folks.

I felt sad that nobody but me could experience a day in my life, I took action...

And part 2......


Tom,
P.S: Yeah, this was a 'video blog'.

'Are you locked up in a world thats been planned out for you? Are you feeling like a social tool without a use?'

First things first (because that actually makes sense), 'The Latest Woes Of Ian Bell' has once again seen curtains fall upon its...Face? Basically, the end of the English domestic season has now come to a close, Ian wasn't part of the Champions League Squad and I doubt he'll play much of a part in the South Africa tour. Yep, Ian's going to be having to a quiet winter, lots of crying himself to sleep and disappointment when Father Christmas doesn't bring him some new batting gloves...Slightly hypocritical Tom, slightly.
Sticking on the cricket front, THANK GOD England lost to Australia in the semi-final of the Champions League! Never felt so relieved. We had already beaten South Africa (ranked first) and Sri Lanka, two sides which should have easily squashed us like the insignificant pompous bugs we are, instead Strauss led his men valiantly to two, nigh on impossible, victories. I think I speak for all when I say I felt very guilty. We're not supposed to win, we're supposed to come 6th or 7th, NOT 4TH. Andrew Strauss needs to learn his place.

Today I replaced Neil the iPod. I was running out of memory on my little 4gb 3rd gen Nano, it was time for a replacement to come in, a big meaty 8gb replacement. That's right people, Nigel is twice the size of Neil and HAS A FUCKING VIDEO CAMERA ON HIS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love the new Nano! The camera is so mindblowingly stupendous, love how Apple have crammed it full of features...The thermal body heat mode, the 'Cyborg' mode, the 'Security Camera' mode etc etc...In total there's about 40 different settings. The 5th gen of Nano is not perfect though, I confess I like the whole 'Shake the iPod and you can shuffle your songs' feature. Tiny problem when you place the iPod in your pocket and walk.

I bought my new iPod from Argos....I've never purchased anything from Argos before. My God. What the hell is that place? 'Forget placing the products on a shelf/rack/product display case for the customer to buy, instead they shall follow THE BIBLE OF SHOPPING.' No, that catalogue is like trying to navigate through Hong Kong in a Panzer Tank, it doesn't work. Then, I have to fill out this weird form, take it to this needlessly attractive twenty something year old girl who gives me more stuff to sign and then tells me to sit down. Sit down? This was just more and more absurd, I sat down, looking up at this monitor which actually read just like a train timetable, watching order 661 fall into the 'processing' section, it EVENTUALLY did...Anyway, after 15 minutes I was walking away with a new iPod, not sure how I got there, but I did. Do have no money though...Felt so sad passing it over, like part of me had died, that job offer my parents keep on screaming at me over dinner is becoming infuriatingly tempting...

'Everything' By Lifehouse is a song which sickens me. I quite like the song, it's ok to listen to, but seriously the lyrics...Bloody hell, read this:

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

I would HATE to become so dependant on someone, so dominated by them that my life and feelings for them matched those lyrics, that wouldn't give me strength feeling like that, it would make me feel very, very sad. Christ, having someone as your 'purpose' is not a good thing, what if your purpose got run over? What are you going to do then? Find a new one? 'Everything' by Lifehouse represents the absolute dependency people can become of one another. Sure, they're at the top of the whole love experience, and justifiably so they're the ones who come crashing down with twice as much force. Imagine if they were also fat.
Lets stick on the personal talk front for a while, I spoke to someone for the first time in a while last night. There are some people in this world who you might be ridiculosly close to, but they don't know you, they base a few small examples of your behaviour on your entire character, in essence they mould a new one around who you actually are. This person has done that, they really have made some pretty massive character misjudgements about me, I do lie, I do think I'm always right and I am most certainly not a happy person. Yet, it doesn't bother me that they've really made a mess of deciding what sort of human being I am, all they've done is described a perfect form of me, something I'm not, something I want to be.

Peep Show wasn't so great last night, still hilarious, just not as good....I'm not worried, this usually happens, it will pick up again. Tomorrow will not be fun, so much fucking History work...Do not like the French revolution, do not like the Englightenment, do like Pitt...Pitt work not in for two weeks...Unfair, I'll happily write about Pitt, not the French.

Not much else to say...

Tom,
P.S: Title lyrics are 'She' - Green Day.

'Go on, stab my stuff, fork it to smitherenes!' - Peep Show series 6 - because something has to keep me going.

Stupid blood brain, I have some free time, I actually have some free time, after my beautiful Sunday afternoon was overrun with English work (will rant about THAT soon enough), God's day became Miss Rodrdigue's day, I am not pleased and I doubt God is either. Anyway, might try and finish chapter 11 of my book, only a few more pages to go, I know what happens...
1. MRI scan shows he's fine
2. Appointment with therapist is booked
3. Drugs are prescribed
4. Doctor recommends Jack disobeys Darren's latest order, Jack agrees.
5. Jack phones up Ed/Sam/Lucy, tells him/her he'd like to go.
That's what happens in the remainder of chapter 11 in chronological order, yet I can't actually write, what the hell? That isn't writer's block, that's just...Stupid. 'Go outside, get some fresh air, bowl some off spin in the garden Tom' my brain recommends. Bad idea. Lost my tennis ball after gentle off spin against the house became ferocious fast bowling, I lost my precious tennis ball in some flowers, neighbour gave me an odd look as I was crawling around a flower bed looking for a ball. I haven't found it by the way, I'm depressed.

Yesterday some interesting personal shit happened, am I going to write about it? No, no I'm not. Disappointed? I'm glad. But why Tom? We're fed up of hearing about cricket and the apocalypse, yeah I know funny readers, but I'd hate to sadden you all. On that tone...My English work, I have to write a commentary on the autobiographical extract I did. I can now conclude it was the most pointless excercise I have ever been set to complete, having to justify why I put an amazing adjective there or why I keep on using rhetorical questions is just silly, why do I have to explain why I'm amazing? The exam board can probably see that, I most certainly can (I wrote it), can we just leave it how it is please?

Wow Facebook intrigues me. Charlie Aitkin gave you an energy pack in Mafia Wars. Firstly, I have not spoken to him in over five years, why is he being so generous to me? Secondly, what the hell even is Mafia Wars?

Below is an amazing song set to an incredible video. Everyone should watch Band of Brothers, it should be made compulsory viewing, serious I want a law imposed, I might write a letter. The Pacific set to be broadcast next year looks INCREDI-BILL as well, that's right, not incredible, INCREDI-BILL.


Tom,
P.S: England are cocking up an easy victory over South Africa, however I don't mind. We beat Sri Lanka the other day, I'm finding it weird this new found winning...I actually feel guilty about it, like I should apologise to the teams that are SUPPOSED to be good.

'Pulverize the Eiffel towers who criticize your government'

My new philosophy: 'If you avoid something hard enough it becomes unbearably noticeable and finds you.' Classic example being Gordon Brown and power. My philosophy is somewhat flawed however, some things are avoided through choice, some things are avoided through planted obstacles, Gordon Brown falls into the latter of these two categories.

Not looking forward to tomorrow, 'Speak Easy' day, what the hell does that even mean? Learnt today that we're haphazardly placed into random groups, I hate this widespread and unfortunately nourished educational policy. They claim that by working with people you don't usually spend time with is realistic to a working environment, no it's not, in an actual working environment I have the option to leave whenever I want. A working environment has systems of power and authority, people are forced to work alongside each other because they need money TO LIVE. Are Speak Easy going to be feeding us? Or better still, paying us?

The only positive coming out of today was corridor duty actually, despite the fact my platoon was given an IMPOSSIBLE corridor, nobody can stop the mob at the main corridor entrance. I still had a laugh though, bonded with a funny specky kid with a crazy multicoloured badge and terrified a year seven girl. I apologised to her by the way, sort of had to, I want to appear threatening (not aided by Henry sitting next to me knitting) but not to the point where I make children cry. 'The only positive coming out of today was corridor duty' - Oh good God my life sucks.

Tom,
P.S: Green Day - Holiday being the title lyrics.

NHS - National Health SMELLS.

bleeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg. I've got swine flu, it just hasn't been confirmed yet. I match four of the seven available swine flu symptoms on the NHS site, doesn't that mean I qualify? When are the paranoid masked men going to come round and put me in a containment field? I've been waiting a while now. At least Swine Flu would be a talking point, FLU is just dull.

I'm fed up of riddles in people's personal messages on MSN, or people using their personal messages as a 'LOOK AT MY DEPRESSION' advert. Erm...Yes, I'm not going to list examples, we've all seen it before haven't we? The whole: 'I want my life to end, I'm so unhappy, BLAH, BLAH, FUCKING BLAH.' I'm in an incredibly bad mood by the way. I can't write my sodding book, despite the fact I know EVERYTHING which happens in the final few chapters, sometimes down to the very words, I just can't write!!! I'm forever staring at the flashing cursor tormenting me, if cursors were linguistic mine would be in hysterics. So instead I'm just going to vent on this for a while.

Started talking to a Finnish girl on Omegle earlier, now on MSN. That's the second Finnish girl I have on MSN, Finland has a very small population, do I want all the women in Finland loving me? Would that really be a good thing? Kinda cool having an entire countries female population adoring you, I'd feel guilty though, nothing I can't live with however. Anyway, I found it interesting talking to...Can't remember her name, talking to Fin 2, she's completely different to Fin 1. Talking to Fin 2 is like conversing to a rather thick chav, she actually likes R&B and all sorts of weird stuff. Fin 1 is just scary, she hates everything and everyone, awesome in some respects but she's simply too weird, for example she likes Ballet and swims in Lakes. I'm not sure what it is with me and Finnish people, I'm starting to think sarcasm doesn't exist in Helsinki. Also had a full blown DEMOCRACY V COMMUNISM row with a Chinese guy earlier! He so lost that.

Did just give my mobile number to the Her Majesty's Ministry for Education...Do I want the Government having my mobile number? Bugger. Like to add now, I'm not just phoning up The Ministry for Education and yelling my number at them, I filled out a Youth Parliament form.

So very depressed, so very ill, so very hateful.

Tom,
P.S: Didn't even laugh at the 4 minute preview of Peep Show, unlike the whole of YOUTUBE I just didn't find it that funny...Oh God. DO CHANNEL 4 REALISE PEEP SHOW SERIES 6 IS ALL I AM LIVING FOR?
P.S.S: I finally agree with Obama on something! Kanye West is a jackass.

'How many times do I have to learn? All the love I have is in my mind?'

Ah, the Pigeon Detectives are giving me a headache with their songs of picking up girls like they're from the unwanted, used and broken PS2 games section in GAME. I for one pity those games, they look so sad. Am loving the Mitchell and Webb sketches at the moment, getting me even more hyped about the long awaited return of Peep Show, why can't it be everyday? A Peep Show soap opera would be fucking ace. I'm not going to post loads of my favourite sketches on here, otherwise I might as well just become Youtube, but if you're feeling miserable check out any sketches concerning 'The Event', 'Walk off a cliff' and 'Big Talk'.

I've recently been inspired by...myself...And have acquired a whole wealth of novel ideas, annoyingly I need to finish my current book (3 chapters and counting) which I was supposed to accomplish over the summer, what the hell was I doing for 11 weeks? NOTHING!! And I still haven't finished the thing, I blame the internet. Though I do love the intenert, what was life like before the internet? Thank God I was born in the 90's and not the 70's, I would be so bored I'd probably be into Dungeons and Dragons and bloody stamp collecting. Sorry, I just don't see the appeal of stamp collecting,
'Look everyone I've got a second class stap from Namiba!'
'Great and what can you do with that...?'
'Err...I can look at it?'
'So, nothing?'
'Yes.'

I don't care if this rant loses all my loyal disciples, this is my blog, I can say what I like. I don't understand emos. Why millions of us have to dye our hair black and listen to Paramore to make ourselves more interesting bewilders me. That's all it is though, 'GRRR...Look at me with my black hair and my black clothes and my fucking pierced FACE! I'm so damn depressed, LOOK AT ME!' It's a mindless attention seeking ploy, people have to join this friendly goth spin off cult to give themselves a new dimension, to appear deep and troubled. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not a huge fan of emos (which by now I hope has been made clear) but they're mostly pleasant people who have always been somewhat courteous to me, I'm not against their existence or want to drive them all into concentration camps. Although, any reading this will probably make it their job to beat me into a dwarf like stature, I'd like to stress I just don't get them, not hate them. But this isn't surprising, I have a monotone dreary southern accent, I wear neatly ironed shirts, watch cricket, can relate to Mark Corrigan, write novels and think toffs are awesome....I know, it's any wonder why I'm single.

I think for the coming week I'm going to make a concerted effort to be nice to everyone. There are times where I'll be making a joke about someone or something and then overstep the line, one minute someone will be laughing at what I'm saying then I go a little too far and it's actually quite evil, I also yelled at someone last week who was just being friendly to me, I do rather feel bad about that. I can be nice to people and do genuinely care about SOME, it's just...Not in my nature?

ENOUGH ABOUT HOW I'M GOING TO REDEVELOP MY ATTITUDE TO PEOPLE AND GOVERNMENTS FOR ONE RECOGNISED WEEK, LETS TALK ABOUT FRIDAY 18TH SEPTEMBER. OR RATHER LETS WATCH A NICELY EDITED CHANNEL 4 PROMO CONCERNING FRIDAY 18TH SEPTEMBER 2009.

Tom,
P.S: Don't watch United 93, it's like the film antidepressants run away screaming from.
P.S.S: Title lyrics are from Lucky Man - The Verve.

Do Tic-Tac rehab clinics exist?

I've noticed something about TV DVD box sets. Something important. Lost series 1 and 2 are huge great boxes, 4 episodes on each disc, 1 disc to a case. Same goes for House, series 1 and 2 are monstrous boxes with 4 episodes to 1 disc, 1 disc to a case. In 2007, the same year as both Lost series 3 and House series 3 were aired and consequently released to DVD A REVOLUTION IN THE WORLD OF TV DVD BOX SETS OCCURRED! Same number of episodes yet a tiny little box. But why or more like HOW Tom? Woah, just calm down, I'll explain, some genius (or environmental nutter) at the world of DVDs realised that two discs could actually fit into 1 case. Yeah, that's it.

Haven't done a blog in a while, not since Monday 31st August, today is the 9th of September, wow. Oh yeah, about today's date, slightly annoyed, heard a bunch of people talking about how today was the anniversary of 9/11. No it's not. The Americans just use a silly reversal system, gaaah. Everyone knows 9/11 was mostly a conspiracy anyway, seriously guys, Youtube: 'World Trade Center 7', it's all there. The most convincing video being a BBC correspondent reporting with the skyline in her background, she's informing the viewers on the collapse of bulding 7 which is still stood in the background, only five minutes after she first announces the news can we see the building collapse, it wasn't only the twin towers which fell that day, OF COURSE IT WASN'T RIGGED.

Blimey...I really do have nothing to say today, fine 6th form, lets talk about that. It's ok, I was outraged that the co-op continues to sell me spearmint tic-tacs instead of fresh mint. Me and Bes moved from our bench to...Another bench, more central to civilsation..erm...Yeah, sixth form is fun, the lessons are actually quite interesting, apart from Drama, but hey I'm dropping that after this year anyway. DO NOT like Psychology woman, always getting me to be her guinea pig in her stupid memory experiments, why? We all know I can't remember three random letters whilst counting back in threes from 760. Me and Bes need to replace David with someone, he isn't worthy to be part of the Three Lee Enfields, errrrgggggg....I don't actually think there's much else to report in concern to work, my cramp came back briefly at half 1, was not impressed. I don't appreciate my foot yelling at me in a childish voice: 'No sorry Tom, I've been supporting you for 16 years now, I'm on strike, walk on your hands or something, they do fuck all.'

AHHHHH!!!!! Even the Lost trailers are so ambiguous they could have been directed by someone who's never watched the show before and is 8!!! However, the Oceanic airlines women do get noticeably more and more attractive as the advert progresses.
I expect only Simon cared about that video.

Must be something else I can write on.... My wife sent me a Boulevard Of Broken Dreams and Wonderwall mix, I usually hate mixes, but this actually works! In places. The opening of Boulevard and Wonderwall are virtually identical, Boulevard is just more electric guitar based, more manly, more just GRRRRRRR.

I promise from now on I'll only update this thing when I've got something to write,

Tom,
P.S: I just watched a Channel Nine Ashes montage to 'Run' by Snow Patrol, one of the best montage videos I've ever seen. Actually made me pity the Australians, I kinda felt sorry for them and I'm not even being sarcastic, even I find it sad to see such arrogant cocks beaten down by less talented Englishmen.
P.S.S: HOUSE IS AN AMAZING SHOW.
P.S.S.S: I realise my title doesn't relate to much of the post, bassicaly I've got a problem, I think it needs looking at.

'Some might say that sunshine follows thunder, go and tell it to the man who cannot shine...'

My God, what on Earth was last week? What in the name of Monty Panesar was last week? Firstly, England win the Ashes, possibly the biggest event since the first Moon landing or...2005. Then STUFF happening on Monday, the likes of which aren't even going to be published on the Internet. Thursday, another big day, can't remember why. Saturday, Oasis split up, one of the best bands if not THE BEST to have ever existed (apart from The Beatles and Snow Patrol of course), brothers shouldn't work together. Not like Liam or Noel can have solo careers either. Noel writes the songs, Liam sings the songs. They NEED each other!!! Otherwise it will just be Liam recording a cover of Humptey-Dumptey with a heavy bass line, which I admit might be awesome in some respects, but a touch bizarre. From Monday-Sunday I fall out with NEARLY everyone I know and I have completed at the most a new sentence to my book, pathetic. Last night was pretty massive as well, I decided to shave. I'm not sure why, I've been trying to get a House style look for ages and now I've destroyed my mask of manliness, my face feels like an ice rink but I look like a toddler with growth problems. When will normality return? I've never been more desperate for my life to return to writing solidly for hours, listening to depressing music, watching House and complaining about society...Ok, I have been doing most of those things, there's just background issues screaming out.

Don't like the new Cricket captain 2009 game...Do not like it. Downloaded a free trial yesterday, thank God I didn't find it in Cheltenham, would have been a wasted £19.99. On the 2008 game you don't have to play it in full screen, which is great, I love PC games with that feature, means you can talk to people and do other stuff whilst playing. This feature is active on 2009 but with one minor difference, it doesn't change from full screen!! It only allows you to access the fucking Windows toolbar!!!!! Plus, all the players have changed and there's a new funny looking interface which frightens me, batsman now have 7 levels of aggression? My word...

Ever listened to a select few of songs on an album loads and just dismissed the others because they're either, crap, boring or weird? I'll take the eerie silence as a yes. Well people, check out those dismissed songs, some aren't bad, now I'm addicted to 'Set Down Your Glass' a song before yesterday iTunes tells me I had only listened to once.

Going to hit some stuff,

Tom,

P.S: It ended up hitting me.

A badly written, mostly MUSEic based post.

Ok, ten minutes ago I was pretty bemused. I just don't understand why so many Ashes 2005 videos are set to the most depressing and frankly boring of songs, 'My Immortal'. I've had a badger over the lyrics and I can safely say they bear no relation to Cricket, victories or happiness, I don't know why ANYONE would chose that video to scenes of cricket people smiling and jumping around. One day, someone will have the sense to make an Ashes video to Butterflies and Hurricanes by Muse, bloody awesome song all about overcoming battles and having to be 'your best'. My bemusement has been cleared up though, there are a few lyrics in 'My Immortal' which do kinda fit to the videos in question...
'I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears' - Michael Vaughan had played a previous Ashes series before this, maybe he was just fed up of 'being here'. He also probably has some childhood rooted fear of the Australian bowling attack, I know I do.
'Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone' - Maybe a reference to previous England captains, they are quite annoying and always on Sky, just piss off and grumble privately someplace else.
'These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real' - If taken in a literal sense, I can understand that.
'There's just too much that time cannot erase' - Before 2005 Australia had held the ashes for...18 years? There abouts anyway.
'When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears' - Wow, I guess Harmison just can't cope without best bud Flintoff.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT IN ALL THAT NONSENSE??!?!?!?!?!?! Moving on, I've had what would be a brilliant day ruined by illness. The good points coming in my Amazon orders of House season 3 and my fucking awesome black leather briefcase with...wait for it...an adjustable shoulder strap arriving in the post today. Amazon are getting speedier, I congratulate them. All they need to realise now is that I'm not going to be buying any CD'S from them because HMV DO FREE POSTAGE AND PACKAGING. God, why is Amazon the only online super giant which can't find cheap labour?

DAMN I love Snow Patrol...And Oasis and Green Day and...The Beatles and...The Fray and The Academy Is. Oh! plus The Corrs, even with their sickly romantic songs, nothing as disgusting yet at the same time undeniably beautiful as Runaway should ever have been made legal. Not sure how a song can be ILLEGAL, I guess if it was really racist or neo-Nazi propaganda, but then society would just start screaming: 'But it's art!' And people like me (they exist, somewhere) would have to put away our counter-arguments about the Nazis being a pretty mean bunch and accept that it is just art. Ah, can feel a society rant coming on, better think about something else to write and fast.
Need to find someone to talk to, wow, how sad does that sound? Should probably apologise to Bes, it's just so annoying...I know he's sitting at home thinking exactly the same thing, the two of us in a horrible 1914-1918 style stalemate, waiting for the other to advance with apologetic ramblings. Yes, yes I know what you're thinking: 'Buuuut Tom!!! Bes will read this and have an advantage over you!' Don't worry everyone, he can't read. That wasn't what you were thinking were you? Who are you? Leave a comment.
I can relate so much to some of the lyrics of 'Chocolate' it's scary, I thought Snow Patrol had finally made a happy song, but alas, you read the lyrics and find it's pretty downbeat about stuff. But yeah, love finding songs I can relate to and whenever 'Chocolate' comes up on shuffle it's pretty tempting to start screaming in public places: 'BUT THIS IS ME!'. Hate those songs which appear happy and jovial, 'Summer Sunshine', 'Chocolate', 'Playing Along', then you find out it's about drugs, the loss of a partner or mistakes.

I seem to be writing more and more posts these days, each making me sound more like a nutcase. Oh yes, results....
'What did you get Tom? What did you get??'
'I GOT A BILLION BLOODY A'S!!!!!!!'
'But you didn't, did you?'
'No.'
I did well, not much else to say, I now have a piece of paper I can wave in people's faces which actually has printed on it the words: 'This guy knows TOO MUCH PRE 1950 HISTORY!' Ok it doesn't say that, but I think it should. Actually, that's an idea, I hate having to wait for cheques to process, I might go up to an Abbey National assistant tomorrow and wave my newly found qualifications in their face! They'd probably just wave a degree back at me. Flaws are evident.
My Gran is almost as odd as myself, she started a HUGE email to me with the most amazing email opener of all time: 'I have done some serious thinking about sheep.'

Going back to music quickly, I know, I know, this post makes very strange reading, it's kinda being written as I think, LIKE THAT'S A FIRST. 'Crack the shutters' by Snow Patrol, awesome awesome awesome song, borderline sickly romantic, but too epic to fall into that category. It did used to piss me off though, I mean, who actually has shutters??? I've come to accept however that this...
'Crack the shutters open wide, I wanna bathe you in the light of day' sounds more impressive than:
'Crack the curtains open wide, I wanna bathe you in the light of day.'
Or does it? I guess curtains is a bit pathetic sounding, it has a slight ring to it though.
If you're feeling down, listen to this...It's my own personal feel good song.

Tom,
P.S: Only listen to the UNPLUGGED version of Runaway, the rest sound more awful. Wahey for the Corrs and their Irish loveliness!!
P.S.S: OK, I think I might just have to accept the fact I fancy Andrea Corr (the lead singer) a tiny little bit.
P.S.S.S: 'Australia thrash Scotts' - Whatever.
P.S.S.S.S: I just couldn't help myself with the title, why did I only mention Muse once?

What the hell happened to the massive high?

Good lord, I wake up this morning with a horrible headache, a sense of appending doom and a cat wailing at me. I was pretty concerned about the cat (the appending doom is just a given really), that thing never makes any noise of any description unless he's severely distressed or in a car. I still don't know what the hell is up with him either, calmed down once I gave him some food and provided the reassurance that I'd prefer to work in a French restaurant than buy a dog. The headache is probably related to yesterday's cricket practice, why did I drag myself there in my exhausted state? All I could do with any success was bowl funny looping off spinners from a two yard run up, those kept on getting hit (by the side of the net) so I was told to pair up with this funny kid with glasses and do some catching practice. That didn't really work either, he just threw the ball at me and I let it hit my face repeatedly, annoyingly he seemed to be getting thrills out of that, I simply didn't have it in me to stamp on his glasses and call him 'Daniel Vettori'...Which probably would have just been a compliment anyway, I'll find some other cricketer with glasses, they can't hide from the international scene forever.

Right, earlier today I finally snapped, I broke down, I feel pretty guilty about what I did but it had to be done. Finally, I downloaded Firefox and uninstalled Internet Explorer. I just couldn't cope with it's constant cock ups, one frozen page...Fine, but then two in succession, it's been going on for months as well, I had to let go, move on and join the millions of IE deserters. So, what do I make of Firefox? It's hard to say, right from the installation point I was a bit miffed. Before 5% it read as 'Just doing some housekeeping' as if it was some weird old friend popping by, 'doing some housekeeping'...I had never been so close to pressing cancel, housekeeping??? I won't have some Internet browser checking I don't have illegal porn or plans for acquiring nuclear weapons (ha, missed them) or just generally having a nosy around my documents...Gah, thankfully it's 'housekeeping' proved to be fine, I was officially worthy enough to have Firefox, hur-fucking-rah. Things picked up after that, it asked me if I wanted to keep my IE homepage and history, which was nice. I mean, it did ask it in a 'what do you want me to do with all your ex's stuff?' kind of tone, but I appreciated that it was consulting me rather than charging gallantly forward and replacing my beloved iGoogle homepage with some Firefox bullshit. Seriously, I love my iGoogle page, it's weirdly comforting, every morning seeing my BBC world news, my BBC national news, my BBC cricket news and my less trusted Cricinfo cricket news...All that alongside my horoscope and daily 30 second brain challenge game (18 seconds!) All to a lovely Lost season 5 backdrop. Anywaaaaay, I kept that, Firefox did throw out my out of date Yahoo toolbar and decided upon itself to update the thing with a flashy new one which gives me regular weather updates...Actually, that is kinda cool .

Wow, that was a lot of quite pointless information about my highs and lows with Firefox. Oh ACTUALLY, just one more thing, why do some editions get the running fox when a page is loading? Where's mine? I don't want one but still WHERE'S MINE MOZILLA??!?!?!??! Yes, a pretty uneventful day. I tried to eat, gave up and had some Tic-Tacs, watched two Peep Show episodes, contemplated for a verrry long time about watching Valkyrie, decided I'd be better off watching something more lighthearted. Played some Cricket Manager, got pissed at Tremlett's selection for England, he's not even playing, I wouldn't mind so much if he was playing, but he's just sitting around not doing anything whilst I'm trying to find some decent bowler from Hampshire's £0 funded youth academy. Wish I hadn't spent nearly all my money on a fucking great stand on only one side of the stadium and on Sangakara, a 40 year old who I forgot used to be incredible, now hobbles around like...like...Me.

I found Kevin Pietersen's twitter earlier today as well. Was not impressed AT ALL.

1:13 AM Jul 8th:
Sun is shining in Cardiff. I'm exciting. Bring on the Aussies. - Does he mean 'excited' or has he overdosed on his ego pills?
1:21 AM Jul 8th:
'Hope you like my hair better this year. Was lookin back at some pics of the last Ashes and I dont look me best' - Firstly, I don't care about your hair, I care if you score runs. Secondly, yes you looked like a complete twat in 2006/07. Thirdly, 'me best'.
9:59 AM Jul 13th:
'Got photographed coming out of a club last night just to top my day. Fu**ers' - Well shouldn't you be practicing anyway or just doing something BETTER with your time?
10:00 AM Jul 13th:
'Wish everyone would stop going on about Colly. He had a good innings - whoopy sh*t' - Yeah I agree Kevin, FUCK TEAM SPIRIT!...What a tosser.
'Devastated - what more cna I say?' - I just don't know what he cna say anymore.

What a long post.

Tom,
P.S: Do NOT visit this link if you value your time: http://www.bartbonte.com/mustpopwords. If you do check it out, I personally find the penguin really annoying, not only does the penguin take up precious letter bubble space but he gives you tormenting instructions.
P.S.S: After hearing about the whole West Ham thugs V the fuzz incident, I'm glad I don't like football. God, that just wouldn't happen in cricket, certainly not at Worcestershire's sweet little stadium. Seriously, what would they do? Burn down the Ladies Pavilion and then steal some fuitcake and pelt Solanki with it? Wait, why do the 'ladies' get their own pavilion? What's up with that? And actually, Solanki hit me in the neck once, no he actually did, he hit a ball into the crowd, hit the guy in front and ricocheted into my neck, so I don't mind if he gets the fruitcake treatment. I don't pay to get hit in cricket, I play for that.

Tic-Tac.

Not sure if it's a particularly good thing, or healthy habit for that matter, but for the last couple of days without any exaggeration coffee and Tic-Tacs have become my entire diet.

Still on a massive high from Sunday's win. It's the sort of disbelief and slight confusion of the high though, I just don't understand it anymore, Australia scored 11centuries throughout the series, England 2...How did we win? It's just ridiculous. Love how Ponting can't seem to leave this country without some sort of facial injury, 2005 the sliced cheek, 2009 the cut lip.

OUT OF CONTEXT - What a disturbing song: 'I broke into your house last night...And left a note by your bedside..' That's just creepy and law defying. - OUT OF CONTEXT. Talking about law breaking, I want to find a job (just briefly) where I have to look after people on drugs, they're so fun to talk to! Ha, rabbits, what a nutter he was...

I'm now starting to understand the origins of cricket. That it was a sport devised by seniors of the British Empire to educate the colonies in a relaxed manner the morals and laws of the United Kingdom, that cricket is in fact a game representative of a person's life itself. I think my Test Match of a life is doing ok, I was born in this country to a family of decent wealth, what you would call a good batting wicket. Indeed, I had the good fortune to win the toss and elected to bat first, the openers did well, a few top order wickets though came in quick succession and there was a couple of missed opportunities in the field, a few catches should have been taken which weren't, on the whole though the outfielders have done well, not too many balls leaked to the boundary. The middle order has remained resilient so far - Thursday shall be a massive day for them though, when the opposition take the new ball, with any luck they'll hold it off and create a platform for number 7 and 8 to score some fast runs before the declaration. Yes, Thursday, bloody hell I wish everyone would stop going on about blooooody Thursday. People are talking about it like they're going to be facing a fucking firing squad. For myself, I'm not too worried, I don't want to sound arrogant, I just think I've done alright that's all. Anyway, my back up plan is fantastic. If all goes down the qualification drain, I'm joining her Majesty's Navy. Few reasons behind that move...

1. Compared to the other sections of the Armed Forces, the Navy offers the most jobs which don't require qualifications.
2. I can 'live a life without limits' - although that does imply some sort of lack of structure and authority to the Navy, sounds awesome.
3. I can't join the Army because I don't want to get shot and don't like running.
4. I can't join the RAF because flying high speed Eurofighters looks scary.
5. I like boats.

That's all for now,

Tom,

P.S: Some people are absolute hypocrites, not worthy of my very precious Cricket Manager dominated time.

I dont care if I cried, not sure I've ever felt happier.

I'll probably write something better tomorrow...Though I am going to this weird campout thing, anyway...Pictures are sometimes better than words/Youtube videos.

I really hope Strauss didn't eat the urn...

Super Fred...

The moment we got the last man out, do love Swann...

I'm going to pretend for a brief moment like I care about how Michael Clarke is feeling. That was sad. Now, I'm going to laugh psychotically..HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Tom,

P.S: England won by the way.
P.S.S: This is one of my few historic blog posts, WOW FUCK-ING WOW!!!!!!!

Feeling perfect.

I could not be happier. Well I guess I could, but it's a sort of an unattainable rather unrealistic level of happiness, I guess Emma Watson or Keria Knightley could confess undying love to me (both would be good - or would that cause unnecessary complications?) Or I could be given a billion pounds in return for feeding Hodge every morning and evening for nearly all my life, or a large crate full of whisky could suddenly appear in front of me. As I say, I'm pretty much as happy as I can be in the real world. But why? Why are you so jubilant Tom? I hear you shriek like a fanatic banshee, I'll tell you.
The man below is the Messiah...But that's Stuart Broad!! Have I gone completely insane? Yes. Fine, I admit I've hardly been his most encouraging critic, but my God! He's 20 years old and can bowl like that????? HE KNOCKED OUT AUSTRALIA'S TOP ORDER...wait for it....BY HIMSELF, Anderson didn't even need to hold his hand. I'm not even sure if he was taking drugs, Bell was (bless him) but I didn't see Broad taking any suspicious physio delivered pills. I mean I have held a grudge against him for ages, which is probably a little unfair. He won some stupid world's sexiest cricket award and mentioned it in an interview once and I was just appalled, APPALLED, plus he made his England debut at 19, that's three years older than me, I was jealous. I can bat a tiny tiny bit better.

England have basically won the Ashes. Lets move on. I completed a two page report today, entitled: 'Why do sheep suddenly walk in straight lines and make an unnatural and somewhat unexpected level of noise?' - All because my Grandmother asked me to, I don't just feel compelled to write random reports on agriculture. However, if you want to read it, let me know and I can email it to you, presumably.

House might just be the most awesome show ever made. I was surprised to find earlier, that there's a slightly different theme tune for Europe, US and the UK, I think I prefer the UK one...Then the European. It's an amazing opening title sequence anyway, something which Lost is void of. Oh dear...Oh deary dum.

Tom,

P.S: More reasons for holding a grudge against Stuart Broad have just come flooding back to me. Twenty20 world cup, his over went for six 6's, worst you can get. He also ruined the Netherlands game by throwing like...well...like a twat.

They think it's all Oval...

I couldn't resist, sorry. Very short post, I'm insanely hyper on coffee right now, 6 cups today, not that's an excuse or anything, I just want to let you know, ok??? I have problems sleeping (at night).

Tomorrow and the following 5 days are arguably the biggest in my life. I'll keep you informed on how everything goes.

Tom,

P.S: Ian Bell at 3...Oh my giddy ECB.

Skittles.

Damn it, my head hurts. Ordering Spice probably isn't a good idea, but I want to try and get some before Parliament reviews it in October. Actually, I was amazed at coffeesh0p.com earlier, not only at the 'legalness' of it all but at the remarkably cheap prices and the insane advertised effects, there's even pills which make you giggle solidly for ten minutes. Wow.

For now though I am content with Skittles. Am rather chuffed, wrote nine pages to my book last night. In my latest chapter, the main character has to endure an English exercise where himself and his group fall about laughing...God, I remember that, that was awful.

Struggling to find something to write in this post... Oh wait! Yes, I'm annoyed. A friend of mine, a good friend at that, recently changed his Facebook relationship status thingy to 'It's complicated' - how much more attention seeking can you get? Annoys me...

Woah! My grandparents just arrived, how convenient. I will leave you with a video though, just because I don't think I do that much, it's hilarious, someone bring back Dead Ringers. I love 1:34, 'What are YOU doing here? You've been telling these people that you're the train guard, when really you are the master...'


Tom,

P.S: Nobody on this Earth can be trusted. As House said: 'It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is about what.'

Damn.

Bloody hell. Blooooody hell. I can't decide if today has been a good day or not, it's actually been a bit eventful. I get a phone call this morning informing me that I've been dropped from the team because I missed training, that's fine, I expected that. I was in Cornwall which did make things a tiny bit difficult but I'm well aware of Northleach's 'Well if you don't turn up to train, you don't play, humph' attitude. What I wasn't quite expecting was the news that in my place a small blond child who dons a stupid Scottish name, bowls fast for his age but is still rather slow and bats like he's taken speed, was playing (my brother). My Dad even went along to 'cheer him on' and 'take some photos'...Good. I'm not jealous at all. I'm confused, why pick him? I don't want to boast, but I'm just better, it's blatant honesty not arrogance.
However, it was in truth the correct decision to make. I can barely walk, I can hobble, limp if you will. For those who know my house, they'll presumably back me up when I say the distance between my kitchen and my bedroom isn't vast, it took me ten minutes earlier, ten fucking minutes and for once I'm not even exaggerating. I don't know what I've done to my left knee again, but it's pretty much broken even with my clumsy support in place...For God's sake I'm a cripple at 16, how is this fair? That being said, I'm almost certain it's my own doing, ever since I invented that little jump in my bowling run up when I land it puts too much strain on my leg, I bowl faster but for someone who got out of physio a few months ago it probably isn't advised. I'll stop doing that little skip, it looks a bit gay anyway.

A day at home followed - look how I make it seem like a rarity! I'm very pleased, I can play 'My Heart Will Go On' on the keyboard now and the opening to Baba O'Riley. Just want to say now, the latter of those songs is AMAAZING, the sort of amazing which requires Caps Lock and two A's. The former is just piss easy to play and is kinda nice and relaxing without the lyrics, the lyrics make me feel queasy. It's fine for say a heart transplant advert, but in any other context, no..Just no.

Hmmm...Other news...Yes, I WISH SOMEONE WOULD GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD, JUST GET OUT OK? GET OUT, GET OUT. Now that I've sounded like a complete schizophrenic, we'll move on. Trott's been picked for the final Ashes game...Well that's that over then. Must be something else...Oh yes, finished watching House season 2, a television show now officially as good as Lost and Peep Show.
Now for the rest of this post I'm going to talk about a song. Both versions are brilliant, the Rufus Wainright one and the Jeff Buckley, each are on my iPod anyway. It is without a doubt the most PERFECT love song ever made. Let me explain... Unlike Runaway which is just about being in love with someone, Halleujah speaks of love in all forms.

Actually being in a relationship - 'I used to live alone before I knew you '
Falling in love - 'You saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you'
Affairs - 'All I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you'
Reminiscing: 'There was a time you let me know whats really going on below, but now you never show it to me, do you?'
A relationship doomed to fail - 'Remember when I moved in you; the holy dark was moving too,'

This song deals with the highs and lows of love, it combines the two complete opposites beautifully and majestically which leaves me almost mesmerised by it's beauty. Undeniably brilliant and terrifically versatile.

Tom,

P.S: It's a House and Wilson video to Hallelujah, damn why does my best friend have to be so far away?

P.S.S.: Just learnt my brother took three wickets today - I taught him everything he knows, really my three wickets.

Finally, this day has come.

Firstly and most importantly, let me thank my latest loyal disciple. I knew some stranger from the world would one day sign up, I have literally no idea why you have but thank you. I've started your blog, decided to start reading from first entry to most recent and it's proving to be a pretty interesting read. Thanks again.

Moving on. Everyone seems very angry with me tonight, I think I know why. Over the past week I've decided on quite a lot, mostly concentrating on society and indeed humanity's ultimate goal of achieving happiness in at least one of it's many mysterious forms. I'm making changes to who I am and not everyone seems to be adjusting, that was to be expected though. People are just going to have to accept this is who I am now and as a consequence of the current minor changes I'm already feeling better about myself and the world.

Quick note on my holiday. I'm not going to do a day by day account (I just cant quite muster the patience required) but suffice to say photos can be found on Facebook for those who care or were more expectant of a full breakdown of events. It was good to escape from the mayhem of Northleach anyway (note to new disciple - that was sarcastic, Northleach is like a really big poorly kept care home).

Tomorrow I'll try and do a better entry, a review of one of the best books I've ever read (I hope that comment hasn't ruined my review) and I'll let you know what I make of Season 2 of House, as always, under the assumption you care.

Tom,

P.S: MY KNEE REALLY HURTS.

Tom gazed outside only to find it was raining at an alarming rate. 'Bother!' He cried, 'this is August.'

I realise in my title I was referring to myself in the third person, which does seem a little odd, however it was but my cat's commentary on my life.
Attention loyal disciples! I'm going on holiday very soon and as I expect I'll be finishing House season two tomorrow, this could be the last post for an unimaginable stretch of time. I'll make it a damn good one for you.

Jonathan Trott added to the England squad? Excuse me? Trott? TROTT? TRROOOOTTTT???? Has he even played for the lions yet? Bloody hell, I'd be a better selection than TROTT! At least if the England management picked me for the fourth Ashes match tomorrow they'd get someone who can bowl a consistent length for ten minutes and someone who can perform a straight drive with such elegance it would cause most England supporters to accuse me of being a South African and pelt me with their groceries. I'm not a South African by the way. Clarification is bliss.

Gah, iTunes shuffle is simply a reflection of this dire weather, I've just had 'The Scientist' by Coldplay followed by 'We Might As Well Be Strangers' by Keane, just how much more depressing can you get? That question was rhetorical by the way, I'm not interested in comments suggesting two songs which boast in greater levels of depression.
After hours trawling on the Internet I finally found a document I had been eager to read for a while. Suffice to say, it's published by the Pentagon, involves the word 'nuclear' at least sixteen times per page and has a mammoth list of acronyms! It's proving to be a most interesting read. Watch this and giggle yourself to death...
This people is why England WILL win the Ashes:

Until next time...Presumably when I return from the mysterious Cornwall.

Tom,

P.S: iTunes has redeemed itself, 'Seven Days In The Sun' - Oh the irony!

The 150th post.

I'm now going to be very childish. Would just like to let everyone know, I was the one who started this blog business, I believe Emily then took it up, then Simon...James...I lose track after that. It's the only thing I've ever started and justifiably so, I'm the first to reach 150 posts. I rather forgot about the 100th, but hey, let's make a big deal out of the 150.
In a weird, arguably pointless half an hour, I've read over every post I've made since Thursday 30th Ocober 2008.
'Hello...Is that how you start a blog? ' - EVERYONE starts off with something like that, it's a bit sad really, very unoriginal. That was from my first post, if you hadn't of already guessed, most of it was about my review of two American sitcoms, the likes of which I haven't really seen much of since. How dull.
Next post though! Woah, we tap into my personal life, which come on, let's be brutally honest here, people read other people's blogs to find out what's going on in their private lives. The other stuff is interesting, sometimes...But we all read each others blogs to find out what the person concerned is thinking about, I'm simply typing what everyone is thinking. Now that we've got that cleared up, lets all make our blogs really personal and interesting...Please.
'Though I wait anxiously on MSN for when she will appear, where upon she will angrily rip me apart with her limited yet damaging vocabulary.' - That being the first insight into my own life, I remember Angry Girl...God, she was angry.
The next post, I give you all a link to a video I made, I hadn't at this point in my life discovered Youtube's embedding features, how silly of me.
It only takes 4 posts into this blog before I rant about Ian Bell: 'Someone like Ian Bell goes and drops it (no offence Bell...but come on fielding isn't your strong point is it?)' - If anyone cares, Ian's fielding has come on leaps and bounds, sometimes literally leaps and bounds, someone give him a badge.

I like my Nintendo and France post, my own writing made me chuckle, that isn't vain at all. Woah...And then a bit later on I get a girlfriend! My pencil was burnt that day as well...If anyone cares.
I ask a lot of questions in my posts. I still don't know the answer to this one: 'Who the hell is Amjad Khan??' - I've heard rumours he's a swing bowler, but TV evidence would suggest otherwise.
Tuesday, 16th December, I FINALLY get a fucking comment, on a really crap entry. That doesn't make any sense.

OUT OF CONTEXT - Apparently Avril Lavigne isn't afraid of ANYTHING - OUT OF CONTEXT.

Anyway, that was 2008. A lot of my 2009 posts I'm actually quite positive, apart from Monday 27th April that is. My post was just a title that day, a title which read as 'ANGRY'. James, you commented on that post and asked me why I was angry, I'm sorry I didn't get back to you, I don't remember why I was in a bad mood, I'll do some thinking.
Ooo...30th April, a post-birthday entry, I don't like reading what I wrote that day.

OUT OF CONTEXT - Andrea Corr would like to love me as I love her, I think she's confused, I don't love her - OUT OF CONTEXT.

2009 sees a significant increase in the amount of times I use P.S, or P.S.S, P.S.S.S, you get the picture...

Anyway, I don't know why I started this blog. I think I just wanted a splodge on the Internet to release my thoughts in a vaguely structured form which other people would have the opportunity to read. Thank you for reading them, thank you to those who have commented, I think I speak for everyone when I say that comments really do make this whole business worthwhile, so yeah..Cheers. I'm not going to stop writing, I plan to continue for a long time yet, probably until I get to University and can't afford an Internet connection due to tuition fees...Oh wait I forget! I can get into Scottish universities free of charge...Must shut up, don't want to antagonise my dwindling disciples.
This has basically been a summary of my blog since it's birth (couldn't think of anything more interesting to write, deal with it). I'm it's Dad by the way, Mummy is Blogger, thanks Blogger. On a final note, after 150 posts, I have realised that my blog title is completely inaccurate, this is my world, but in a way it's also kinda yours...I mean, I make all the big decisions, you just get to read about it and sometimes take part...

Thanks,

Tom,

P.S: It wouldn't be right to press publish without a P.S. I can't really think of anything to include in this P.S, so watch this! I heard it on the radio the other day and it made me giggle on a HORRIBLE day, I think you should listen to it as well. It's only about 40 seconds long, probably just under the average time it takes most to read my posts, waste your life a bit more...Please. It turns out I'm not the only one taking the piss out of Belly...Belly, that's actually his nickname, HA!

People who lie to me are evil.

BELL IS COMING BACK PEOPLE! BELL IS COMING BACK! Am going to buy House dvds tomorrow, from ze Internet. Hmmm....Oh yes! I plan to talk like a toff to everyone I meet for a week. That is all.

Tom,
P.S: Yeah I said I was going to do a more constructive post, I lied. HYPOCRITICAL.

I think I've got a problem.

Ok, maybe more than one problem. Recently, I can't listen to a song without taking the lyrics really seriously....

1. 'Runaway' - 'I would runaway with you' - Ok super, that's lovely and everything, but where are we going? Because I'm fine if it's Germany or somewhere European, but what if it's China? What if we're running away to China?!?!?!
2. In 'Spiralling' I can't help but answer out loud the questions posed to me in the song...
Did you wanna be a winner? - Depends what in?
Did you wanna be an icon? - Sort of
Did you wanna be famous? - Not really
Did you wanna be the president? - That would mean I'd have to remove the Monarchy, that would be difficult/pointless.
Did you wanna start a war? - I have done.
Did you wanna have a family? - Nope.
Did you wanna be in love? - Is that even my choice?
3. 'Why does it always rain on me?'
'Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?' - I don't see how that would affect precipitation levels.
'Why does it always rain on me?' -I don't know, stop asking me that, maybe because you're from Glasgow?
4. I don't like song titles which tell me what/what not to do...
'Stop Crying Your Heart Out' - I'm not
'Pretend That You're Alone' - Why??
'Put it behind you' - What? And again WHY TOM CHAPLIN??? WHY?!?!???!
'Would you be happier?' - If what....?
5. And finally... WHAT THE FUCK'S A WONDERWALL?!?

I am aware that quite a few of my blog posts are just lists these days. I apologise. I think I might do a more constructive post later this evening, but for now it's time to draw up contingency plans, write and then download a demo.

Tom,
P.S: MINESWEEPER THE MOVIE

BELL IS BACK.

'Bell to bat at four for England' - that headline almost made my cry, let the country rejoice! Bell is back! I mean fine he hasn't replaced Bopara, only replaced the injured Kevin Pietersen...Who is also our best batsman...4th in the world actually...Shit. BELL IS BACK.

Commander in Chief has absorbed my life, I accidentally got into a war with Iran...Now I can't really get out of it, it's really annoying especially with a fucking general election coming up. I mean why did the Iranians attack Japan? What the hell was that for? I wouldn't have cared if it was China, but the Japanese are cool, they make small shiny things for the western world. Now I'm going to have a moan (like it's something rare):
1. I don't like people who type like their fingers are half the size of the keyboard.
2. I don't like people who use the following ALL THE TIME: :D, :),:P, for fucks sake, I don't care what facial expression you may or may not be donning in reflection to the conversation. I for one only use emoticons when words fail me, that's what they're there for, right?
3. I strongly dislike people who call at my house every day and make me feel guilty when I make up stories about being busy catsitting.
4. I don't like people who criticise my Government. They don't like me either. The feeling is justifiably mutual.

Now I'm going to write until...Dinner.

Tom,

P.S: CLOVERFIELD IS AWESOME.
P.S.S: I really, really, really hope Massa lives and is able to race in F1 again. Worrying times indeed.

Wow! Life is great!!!

I'm not even being sarcastic with my title, life is actually really good at the moment, I'm in a super mood. Let's start with the biggest news, Hampshire won the Friends Provident Trophy final at Lord's, SAFUHASUDIHGASDFSGADYUGSA...That was me being sick with joy. For those who don't know, I support Hampshire, numerous reasons, my Grandad did, they were the first team I ever saw play and they're just awesome. Anyway, they won the FP trophy today, which by the way Simon is roughly the equivalent of the FA cup in Cricket terms. I'm really pleased, the team needed this win to give them a lift of confidence, Hampshire are a top quality side, just keep on coming mid-table in everything, never first, just 5th...Which is good, but not best.

Moving on... I won the Drama prize in Speech Day, which is sort of a good thing. It's pretty annoying in some ways, Speech Day is so unbelievably dull and tiresome and it would be nice to just take the afternoon off like the majority. However, I know when the Drama bunch find out I've won they'll all be pissed off with me, which is cool, I see it as twisted revenge for the torment they made me endure.

Had Sebery round the past couple of days, which has been nice, managed to film some of the sitcom. Bloody hell can that boy talk though, by about four in the morning I was just nodding and repeating 'Oh that's awful' in desperation, a load of Chinooks flew over my house at 3am as well, I was bemused. I can't complain though, we both had a laugh and a little too much alcohol, he even left his cake behind! I've eaten it all now, if he comes back asking for it I'll just claim it doesn't exist and that he's going mad, it worked for his Ace Combat game.

In other news, isn't it funny how quick people can change? Not only real people, even AI people leave me stunned sometimes. I've got a 99% approval rating on Commander In Chief at the moment, 99% of the British population love me, I haven't even done anything major yet, only lowered the voting age to 16, got a load of celebs on my side and reduced the VAT level to 0. I think the killer move was scrapping Wine tax, it made everyone so happy, was quite an emotional moment for me. The weather has also been super today! Played some garden cricket with Campbell and almost melted it was so hot, it's really weird for this country (I say that as if I'm talking to a bunch of foreigners) but it's like someones left a heater on somewhere.

Finally...Printed off some of my book, fairly pleased with it, found a great band: The DuckWorth Lewis Method, EVERYONE should go check them out, the Beatles Rockband game looks so fucking amazing I might just EXPLODE, it's a Rockband game but all BEATLES!?!?!?! JUST HOW AWESOME CAN A GAME GET BEFORE IT BECOMES ILLEGAL??... I shall ask my chief adviser on Commander In Chief, a funny little woman with a huge necklace.

Tom,

P.S: If Muse do the best instrumentals, Snow Patrol do the best lyrics. Listen to 'How to be dead', it's a song which is essentially a script between the singer and his girlfriend concerning drugs or something, sounds depressing but I just think it's really beautiful...The song that is, not the drugs.